To My Forever Friends

Over the last week, I have been contemplating the friendships I've maintained/made while living in Kirksville the past three years. As an adult, I realize that I don't have to be friends with everyone (something we are taught as a child and that I have some thoughts regarding- another post, another day). Each friendship I've developed or held onto is my choice and those friends have made me a better person since coming home to Kirksville three years ago, broken and not very trusting. I have known some of my friends for ten years, while others have slipped into my life during the last three years. Regardless, each friend knows me and, as I said, made me a better Nikki- the person I was afraid to be. 

I had a hard time grasping the fact that I was actually leaving these people that I had so carefully chosen to keep in my life, and as one friend pointed out to me, I felt like Rachel Green when she had to tell her friends goodbye and excluded Ross. Of course, Rachel and Ross had a different kind of history than my friends and I, but the sentiment is the same. Rachel says this, and it has been looping in my head: Because it is too damn hard, Ross! I cannot even begin to explain to you how much I am going to miss you! When I think about not seeing you everyday, it makes me not want to go! 

She goes on to tell him that she didn't say goodbye because he means more to her, but I couldn't leave Kirksville without telling my friends I loved them and giving one more hug for now. The goodbyes are hard, and I may have seemed cool as a cucumber and kept myself together as I hugged each of you and promised to visit (which I will do). Inside, however, my heart was breaking, and I was thinking, It is too damn hard! 

I wanted to tell my friends in a way that I know best, my writing, that this move has been one of the hardest decisions of my life. Not a day has gone by that I haven't seen some of you, thought about you, or made plans with you. I may make friends when I move, but it will be different than the friends I found in Kirksville. You have pushed me to be brave again and believed in me, like getting my first (and second and third) tattoo, singing a cappella karaoke when they didn't have the track we wanted and climbing a waterfall and falling backwards into the little pool of water. Even more, you've taught me to believe in myself. I think you all helped "Nikki get her groove back." 😊 

As I drove out of Kirksville this morning, I cried. Not for the small town that was my home for so long but for the friends that I was leaving there. You are amazing, my forever friends, and I love you all to the moon and back. As Anne Shirley once said,  

"Kindred spirits are not so scarce as I used to think. It's splendid to find out there are so many of them in the world."

I was blessed to find all of you in one place. 

Arreviderci and au revoir (until we meet again),

Nikki

Adventure in the Great Wide Somewhere

As I mentioned in my last post, I recently had a two part revelation. I shared the first part here. The second part of the revelation brings a new chapter in my life. For the past several months, I have struggled with wanting to stay in Kirksville. I wanted to take a step outside of my comfort zone and move forward with my life, but I kept finding reasons that made staying easier. I have a good job, I have a good living arrangement where I get along with my roommate, and I have some of the strongest friendships I’ve ever had in my life. My life looked complete. I didn’t feel that way though. Don’t misunderstand; those things are all good, but I knew that my life was meant to be more than just a good job and a house that I liked. That is when I started to reassess what I wanted out of life and what my reasons were for staying in Kirksville.

Aside from being the place where I grew up, Kirksville has given me three things that make it hard to leave:     

1. A safe place to come back to when needed

2. Solid job experience

3. Long-lasting relationships

My job, while fast-paced and one that keeps me on my toes, has been a blessing. Starting part-time and moving around the building until landing on Assistant to the CEO in less than three years was not something I could have achieved on my own. I have learned a lot by working in the different areas of the building: how a business works, the different aspects of patient care, administrative duties, and that I have the perseverance and ability to accomplish what is set before me. Also, in the words of The Wonder Pets, “What’s gonna work? TEAMWORK!” (I love that show.) I am part of a team. A team that celebrates with you, holds you up when you are barely getting by, and one who supports you. I knew that even if I made one of the hardest decisions to move on somewhere else, I would feel the support and love from my work family. Over half of the long-lasting relationships I mentioned are in that building.

That left number one and number three on my list. Three years ago, which actually feels like another lifetime, I came back broken and drained from California. Kirksville was my safe haven to rebuild the relationship that had been bruised and strained between my family and me, as well as the place that I would recoup emotionally, mentally, and spiritually before moving to the next place. I had no idea where I wanted to go, but I did not plan to stay in Kirksville forever. What I didn’t realize then nor did I later want to accept is that in order to move forward, I had to sort through some things in my heart and mind, revisiting memories that I did not want to remember. Instead, I shut out 16 years of my life, so to speak, and sealed off that part of me. In doing that, I wasn’t free of the brokenness I felt, the pain, the frustration and hurt. That only led to the fear that I would fail again, which is how I saw California. A big fat failure. I was afraid to try something new in case it didn’t work out the way I wanted.

It wasn’t until earlier this year that I saw the truth. I did not fail in California. No, my time there did not end the way I would have liked or chosen for myself. That didn't mean I failed though. In reality, I grew up- a lot- and I became my own person for the first time in my life. I thought for myself. I made a decision that was best for me. We aren’t perfect. I know that I’m not. I accept that. I accept that I make mistakes, but leaving California was not one of them. Moving there was not a mistake either. I needed to go there, for a reason that I don’t quite always understand, except that my relationship with my family depended on it. Since coming back to Kirksville, my family and I are closer than ever before. My sister and brother are my best friends. My niece and soon-to-be born niece are my heart. Most importantly, I understand my parents and what they’ve been through in life and have greater respect for them than I did 9 years ago. I was no longer afraid to move because of my fear of failure.

Next came my friendships. I started mentioning that I was thinking about moving, and my friends were sad. I was too. I had worked so hard to cultivate my relationships, and I couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing them on a regular basis. I need my friends, and I like to think they need me too. For some reason, the thought of leaving my friends was the worst part. It kept me in Kirksville much longer than I wanted to be in Kirksville. I kept telling myself that I had to stay because my friendships alone were enough. Don’t get me wrong. I have pretty spectacular friends, and even when I make new friends in the future, they won’t replace what I already have. The problem was that I was using my friendships in Kirksville as another excuse not to leave because making new friends can be hard. I wanted to keep the same friends, and I wanted Kirksville to work out, but I was feeling miserable.

One day, a friend of mine gave me some news about her life, and I had my second revelation. All of my friends’ lives were moving forward. They were sincerely happy with their lives, and I was not happy with mine. My life was not moving in the direction I wanted it to go, and as long as I stayed in Kirksville, it would continue to stay put. I saw my friends paddling by me in the river called life, and I was sitting alone in a canoe, going in circles. I had to make another tough decision. What was best for me? Where am I supposed to be? As much as I wanted to stay with my friends, things were changing. I couldn’t put my life on hold any longer.

Of course, leave it to my favorite Disney movie to inspire me. I’ve said it before, but Belle understands my heart when she sings,

“I want much more than this provincial life

music builds

I want adventure in the great wide somewhere

I want it more than I can tell”

I’m ready for my next adventure. As I write this, I am driving to Fort Worth, Texas, where my new adventure awaits. While this trip is just to visit, the next time I make the drive, it will be to start fresh and see what happens. I don’t have all of my ducks in a row, but for the first time that doesn’t matter. I’m excited about life again and the possibilities waiting for me.

To All the People Pleasers Out There

"We must not confuse the command to love with the disease to please." - Lisa Terkeurst

I've had a two-part revelation, and it is one that I am still trying to fully grasp and make sense of in my own life. The first part comes down to two words: People Pleaser.

I've been a people pleaser for nearly twenty years. It was how I grew up. I've learned as an adult that it comes from the need to feel accepted while at the same time, proving myself to others. What I tend to be left with are feelings of anxiety that I am not nor will I ever be good enough...for my friends, my job, even my family at times. Once let in, anxiety wraps itself around your mind, snakes down through your heart and settles in the pit of your stomach. I should know. I've lived with anxiety for as long as I can remember. It has become such a common feeling that I don't know what it is like not to feel anxiety anymore.

I had never labeled myself as a people pleaser. It actually came about in the form of an innocent bulletin board decoration when I was thirteen years old. Each of my classmates and I were compared to an object that fit our personality, according to a few of our classmates who were in charge of putting it together. Someone was a stapler, I remember. I went up to the board and looked for my name. Another student saw it first and exclaimed that it was a perfect description. It must be something awesome!  I thought as I found my name. There it was- Little Debbie snack cake "because she pleases everyone." Someone else read it and was quick to say that it was true because I was such a people pleaser. At the time, I embraced that label and didn't think twice that maybe being a people pleaser wasn't necessarily a good thing.

Years later, in college, I was sorting through old folders and tubs of school papers, artwork, and notebooks from my childhood. Stuck in my junior high art folder was the small slip of paper that had been stapled to the bulletin board all those years ago. When I read it then, my heart sank to my stomach, and I felt disappointed. I had forgotten about that label, but I saw how it had affected me through the years. I crumpled up the paper and threw it in the trash with old math papers and science notes. Unfortunately, we don't always take those moments to heart. We continue to live with whatever labels we let the world give us. At least that is what happened in my case. More years of trying to please others followed until one day, I found myself in a place where it was not enough. The aftermath of that situation left me broken, and when I realized all my years of people pleasing had been in vain, anxiety drew itself around my heart and mind stronger than before.

In the name of being vulnerable, three years later, I still fight being a people pleaser. It isn't that I am
not sincere in my efforts; I work hard and try to be the best at what I do in all areas of my life- employee, friend, sister, and daughter. The problem is that it is not always enough and never will be. I am accepted by those around me, but I don't see it because I can't accept myself for who I am. I don't have to prove anything to the people in my life, but still I try. And it's never good enough. I mess up. I fail at tasks, at being a good sister or daughter. Then I let the anxiety taunt me and wreak havoc inside. It is time to see that being a people pleaser really is a disease. I have to love the people in my life enough to trust them and not compare them to past relationships. I have to take control of the anxiety that has set up residence inside of me and get rid of it. Just as importantly, I have to learn to know and accept who I am, then love and embrace that person.

Our Hearts Are Very, Very Old Friends

Camping Trip with our Moms' family

In Kindergarten, my cousin Amber and I were best friends. We tricked substitute teachers into letting us put our sleeping mats next to each other at nap, I helped her with spelling words, and she rewrote my answers because she had better handwriting. We even shared a boyfriend. (Remember, this was Kindergarten.) We were inseparable. One day, we had one of our first fights (aside from the normal "bickering", as my grandma called it). She came up to me at my desk, and while we were talking, I sat there opening and closing my scissors (the Fiskars real blade scissors), facing them out towards her. What I didn't realize was that I was actually cutting a hole in her shirt. I remember the panic and guilt that consumed me when I realized what had happened. The fact that she was going to not only tell the teacher, but my Aunt Donna and Mom, made me so scared. It was an accident, but I was at fault, so there really was no way to get out of it. We ended up fighting, Amber thinking I did it on purpose and my response being that I didn't but she shouldn't have been standing so close to me. Our other friends couldn't see how I didn't realize what I was doing. It ended in tears on both sides, and we didn't talk for the rest of the day, even when she came to my house after school. 

At my niece's 1st birthday party 

That was my first friendship "breakup", so to speak. I thought we were never going to be friends again. What I didn't know then is that tomorrow was a new day. My aunt fixed the shirt, Mom had me apologize, and Amber and I were friends again. This would be the first of a few "breakups" between us. Those breakups didn't last though. We are now closer than we were as children and I know that I can tell her anything and she will be there for me, and I am there for her.

Walking through life, we come across many types of friendships. Some friendships are formed as children or are made while navigating the teenage years. Others are based on location, location, location. Where you work at the time, the town you live in, or the college you attend. Even relatives can easily blend between family member and friend. I've come to find that the phrase "Best Friends Forever", used so openly and freely, is not always the case. People move on or away, lives drift in different directions, and communication becomes sparse if anything at all. There's also the breakups when our friendships don't survive but instead die.

Sometimes, however, we are fortuitous enough to find that friend who connects with your soul, and it doesn't matter if you live in the same town or see each other on a regular basis. These are kindred spirits, the companions that will walk life out with you, near or far. I am privileged to have found that in my friend, Serenity. I can pinpoint in my mind when our lives connected and not just over a love for Anne Shirley or the television show Friends. She is one of few in my life that I can truly say has proven to be a lasting friendship, a true soul connection. Our conversation didn't stop when I moved 2000 miles across the country or when she was going through treatment for cancer. Serenity once told me, "Our conversation is what happens when two friends are friends no matter what, unconditionally, because they love each other." That is a kindred soul.

Oscar Noms: Double Movie Date

We are lucky to be in the same town now, meeting weekly for lunches and adding in other fun adventures when possible. I know that when the time comes, and we aren't in the same town again, that won't matter. Our friendship isn't kept alive by eating lunch together or going to the movies. Don't get me wrong. I love those highlights and will miss them greatly, but I know we won't have a "breakup" or drift apart because we aren't in the same town anymore. As Hafiz wrote, "Your heart and my heart are very, very old friends." 

Happy birthday to you, Serenity. Thank you for being my soul connection and the best friend a girl could ask for. 

I've My Own Sword, Thank You

"There is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Winnie The Pooh

Before the Austenian type heroes captured my attention and the leading men of Golden Hollywood made me swoon with their declarations of undying devotion and love through song, I sat in my living room or the theater, buying what Disney was selling 100%. 

1. Good will always triumph over evil in the end.
2. Every girl has a prince/champion who will fight the world and go to the ends of the earth to be with her.
3. Singing is essential to life.

Those 90 minutes had me fixed to the television, oblivious to all else around me. I forgot that Robin Hood was actually a fox. He had an accent that even my six year old self swooned over. I felt chills when Maleficent was in dragon form trying to kill Prince Phillip, and exclaimed, "Now you shall deal with me, O prince! And all the powers in hell!" When Beast died for that brief moment, my tears welled up and spilled over, just like Belle's. It was our tears together that made him return to human form. You can imagine that I cried when Mufasa was trampled. I was in the grotto when Ariel tells King Triton, "Daddy, I love him!" I loved him too. 

We all want the story where evil is vanquished by good. The princess gets her man. I loved that there were songs/scores for every single moment. What I've learned, however, is that while good really does win out over evil eventually and singing does make life better, sometimes the girl doesn't have a champion fighting the world off for her. She has to pick up the sword, wield her own shield and fight her own battles. You can easily feel down about this- and by that I mean I can feel down and get frustrated that I'm out here in the world fighting my own battles. I've realized something though, and it has helped a great deal.

Perspective. These girls who are mooning over their soulmates and ending up with them are SIXTEEN years old. EIGHTEEN years old. Maybe one or two have made it into their twenties. In my teens, I was not pining away for my one true love. I was trying to not be awkward and failing miserably. If you want to compare me to a Disney heroine- try Mia from Princess Diaries. Seriously. Before the makeover. That's how I felt. (Disclaimer: I am not saying you can't meet the love of your life in your teens. My best friend and my sister both did that.) More perspective. These fairy tales stories are just that. Fairy tales. And from another era completely. Girls were married by 16 if not sooner. 

I spent years wondering when I could start my life. I wanted to know when my champion fighter of a prince would waltz into my life, sweep me off my feet, and take over for awhile. That's when I realized that my life had started. Maybe not the part that I expected to start, but life was happening all around me and I was missing it. I was too caught up in the whens and what ifs to notice my life was in full swing. Most importantly, I was not seeing that I was okay. I didn't need someone else taking on the world on my behalf. I had developed a trait that I had never thought I wanted or needed. Independence. It was the same independence that had led me to travel across Europe, mostly alone. It had carried me when I took that summer camp job and again when I moved halfway across the country and back. All the opposition, difficulties, and pain that came with these things was not championed by some prince. I stared it all in the face, and I was the one who found the inner strength to overcome.

Do I still love Disney movies? Of course, I do. If I have children, will they be allowed to watch Disney movies? Absolutely. There are lessons that can be learned from Disney. (Besides, the movies are just fun to watch!) I just never want to forget that while it might be nice to have someone face the world for me and take on a few dragons, I am not incapable of facing my own battles or finding the inner strength to fight.

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face . . . You must do the thing you think you cannot do” – Eleanor Roosevelt

Why I Won't Define Myself as Single

It seems like my newsfeed is always full of links to an article or blog post that either a) berates singles for not understanding married couples or b) explains how to deal with people who don't understand the single person's plight and triumphs in living up the single life. I typically ignore these posts, partly because the posts are lengthy (i.e. 25 reasons being single is awesome), but mostly because reading them doesn't make me feel better one way or the other, and it also doesn't change which box I check when doing my taxes. I'm single. Some days it's hard; most days it's easy. Reading an article that analyzes the mid-twenty something and why she's single, why she should be lucky she's single, etc should not influence my decision to accept where I am in life.

I've recently started shifting my thoughts and attitude in regards to being single. There came a point when I had been to enough weddings and later baby showers for friends and family that I could either spiral into a deep depression and feel miserable or I could learn to accept that I'm actually okay and being "just" me is not the end of the world. I had to give myself a pep talk, and occasionally, I still do. It is something like this (looks at self in nearest available mirror): 

"If you aren't happy about your situation, do something about it. Find your happiness. Don't make "woe is me" comments and wallow. Take in the world around you and see what it has to offer. I cannot guarantee you will be in a relationship someday, but I can tell you that these moments right now will never happen again. Embrace life- every minute, every second- and find happiness in the small things. Travel. Write a book. Make new friends. Look for opportunities to flourish and grow as you- just you. And regardless if this brings you the love of your life or not, don't despise this moment in time. Don't expedite your life and miss the now."

I also like to remember this quote from Audrey Hepburn, full of grace and wisdom, humility and compassion. She said, "Nothing is impossible! The word itself says, 'I'm possible!'"  When I remember that, facing the world as "me" doesn't seem so scary. It is quite possible to enjoy life independently and not constantly wonder if the next person who walks into the room will be my future boyfriend. 

If I find myself quickly scrolling past the pictures of couples or articles about why I'm single and my friends are not, I don't feel discouraged. Instead, I feel hopeful and excited. I don't need another person to define who I am. I also don't need to wait to start living until I am in a meaningful relationship. As Dr. Seuss said, "Because when you stop and look around, this life is pretty amazing."

Turning Failure Into Something More

“The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.” - Maya Angelou

Had I heard this quote two years ago, I would have cross stitched it on a pillow. I’m not going to lie. If you had asked me then if I ever wanted to leave home again, I may have said yes, but on the inside, I knew that I could not face the world. I had tried that thing called “independence” and “leaving the nest” only to end up trampled and broken. I put on a brave act and talked of my big plans to move to the next city after a short respite at my parents’ house. Still, deep down I knew that I was just trying to save face. As Phoebe said, "And I don’t want to lose face! That’s a very serious thing in my culture!”

As appealing as striking out on my own again sounded at times, I held a secret fear that I tried to keep at arm’s length and not examine too much. There were times that the fear would come to the surface through the need to prove myself to others, salvage my remaining dignity, or pretend I didn’t care when I actually cared too much.

I was afraid I would fail...again.

“And I misspelled in front of the entire school the word ‘failure.’” - Dwight Schrute

Failure. It’s only a word, but it settles like a brick in your stomach and puts an ache in your heart. It's the “lack of success” and is associated with words such as “defeat” and “nonfulfillment.“

This past February, I had one of those hard-to-admit-to-myself moments where I realized that I felt like a failure. No one wants to admit to anyone, including themselves, that they feel like a failure. I realized that while I had been attempting to put my life back together, I did not feel successful for various reasons. Something was holding me back.

“One of the most courageous decisions you’ll ever make is letting go of what is hurting your heart and soul.” - Brigitte Nicole

The past. It was right there, ever present in my life. It's easy to know in your head not to let the past define your life, but stressful/traumatic situations from the past have a way of latching onto someone in secret ways that aren't always visible at first. I had used that fear of failing to stubbornly persevere through many situations only to end up flat on my face anyways. I was letting my fear keep me from moving forward in life. Sitting at my parents' house seemed safer than letting the world trample my heart again. 

"It's funny how some distance//Makes everything seem small//And the fears that once controlled me//Can't get to me at all"

I had just seen Frozen. Like nearly the rest of the world, I was immediately in love with "Let it Go." The lyrics hit my heart in such a way, and I could not help but feel goosebumps on my arm when I heard the above mentioned part. That was it. Let it go. Let go of all the fears and frustrations. The pain and even the indifference I felt towards my past. I had felt a fear of failing my entire life and had never stood up to it. Not anymore. As Idina Menzel belted out:

//I’m never going back//The past is in the past//

The past is in the past. 

“Failure is only the opportunity to begin again. Only this time more wisely.” - Henry Ford

So here I am, seizing an opportunity and starting a new chapter in my life. It's a small step, moving out on my own again. I'm not moving to another city or state. I'm not changing jobs. It may seem like nothing to most people, but for me it is taking a step forward, looking to the future. I will fail at many things in this life, but I won't let that define who I am or what I can do.