Turning Failure Into Something More

“The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.” - Maya Angelou

Had I heard this quote two years ago, I would have cross stitched it on a pillow. I’m not going to lie. If you had asked me then if I ever wanted to leave home again, I may have said yes, but on the inside, I knew that I could not face the world. I had tried that thing called “independence” and “leaving the nest” only to end up trampled and broken. I put on a brave act and talked of my big plans to move to the next city after a short respite at my parents’ house. Still, deep down I knew that I was just trying to save face. As Phoebe said, "And I don’t want to lose face! That’s a very serious thing in my culture!”

As appealing as striking out on my own again sounded at times, I held a secret fear that I tried to keep at arm’s length and not examine too much. There were times that the fear would come to the surface through the need to prove myself to others, salvage my remaining dignity, or pretend I didn’t care when I actually cared too much.

I was afraid I would fail...again.

“And I misspelled in front of the entire school the word ‘failure.’” - Dwight Schrute

Failure. It’s only a word, but it settles like a brick in your stomach and puts an ache in your heart. It's the “lack of success” and is associated with words such as “defeat” and “nonfulfillment.“

This past February, I had one of those hard-to-admit-to-myself moments where I realized that I felt like a failure. No one wants to admit to anyone, including themselves, that they feel like a failure. I realized that while I had been attempting to put my life back together, I did not feel successful for various reasons. Something was holding me back.

“One of the most courageous decisions you’ll ever make is letting go of what is hurting your heart and soul.” - Brigitte Nicole

The past. It was right there, ever present in my life. It's easy to know in your head not to let the past define your life, but stressful/traumatic situations from the past have a way of latching onto someone in secret ways that aren't always visible at first. I had used that fear of failing to stubbornly persevere through many situations only to end up flat on my face anyways. I was letting my fear keep me from moving forward in life. Sitting at my parents' house seemed safer than letting the world trample my heart again. 

"It's funny how some distance//Makes everything seem small//And the fears that once controlled me//Can't get to me at all"

I had just seen Frozen. Like nearly the rest of the world, I was immediately in love with "Let it Go." The lyrics hit my heart in such a way, and I could not help but feel goosebumps on my arm when I heard the above mentioned part. That was it. Let it go. Let go of all the fears and frustrations. The pain and even the indifference I felt towards my past. I had felt a fear of failing my entire life and had never stood up to it. Not anymore. As Idina Menzel belted out:

//I’m never going back//The past is in the past//

The past is in the past. 

“Failure is only the opportunity to begin again. Only this time more wisely.” - Henry Ford

So here I am, seizing an opportunity and starting a new chapter in my life. It's a small step, moving out on my own again. I'm not moving to another city or state. I'm not changing jobs. It may seem like nothing to most people, but for me it is taking a step forward, looking to the future. I will fail at many things in this life, but I won't let that define who I am or what I can do. 

Hey Girl. Feel Good About Today.

If you had told me twelve years ago that the actor who played Alan in Remember the Titans would end up starring in the dreams of women all over the world, I might have laughed a little at the thought. Although at twelve years old, I thought Ryan Gosling was cute, it was more in a goofy sort of way. (Think cruel and unusual punishment!) Somewhere in-between watching Ryan dance to "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" and seeing him wear those suits in Crazy Stupid Love, I melted away with the rest of the "I Heart Ryan Gosling Club."

About a year ago, I was searching for something on google, and I came across a teacher's blog. She had posted all of these "Hey Girl" memes of Ryan Gosling. I have to admit that I had never seen one of those before. I started cracking up reading the funny but ridiculous things Ryan was "saying." If I was having an "off" day, I would google those memes to cheer myself up. Apparently, there is a "Hey Girl" meme for everyone. Feminists, teachers, artists, and even Christians. That last category is truly outrageous (and does not just feature Ryan Gosling)!

Since then, I will sometimes see a statement and automatically attach "Hey Girl" to it. For example, last week I was given a piece of Dove chocolate. The Dove "promise" said, "Feel good about today." But I read, "Hey Girl. Feel good about today" as if Ryan were encouraging me. Silly? Perhaps. I don't mind though. Sometimes, you just need the affirmation.

After reading that Dove promise, if I am stressed or having a less than perfect day, I will think to myself (or look in the front of my planner where I attached that Dove wrapper), "Hey Girl, Feel good about today." 

Finding the Happy in Disappointment

Finding the happy in disappointment. That doesn't sound like a fun activity. It seems more like a task if anything. Most people, including myself, do not wish to focus on something that has brought disappointment to our lives. I, for one, would rather ignore it and try to move past whatever it was that disappointed me. What I am finding instead is that I can really only do just that - try - without ever really getting anywhere.

If I don't ignore it, then I easily dwell on my disappointment, the things I was hopeful of, expected out of life, only to be let down. Dwelling on it pulls on emotion and a vicious cycle ensues, filled with anger, hurt, justification, sadness, and overall pain. If this is my only other option besides ignoring it, then I would rather never look at the disappointment again.

Recently, I was dealt a series of disappointments in my own life. I immediately vacillated between my two usual options of ignoring it or dwelling on it. After doing a little of both and still feeling no satisfaction, I was at a loss. I didn't know what to do, but I did know that neither of these things worked, and it was slowly choking the life out of my, well, life.

My cousin, Bella, on her first birthday- definitely found her happy!

I was talking to a close friend of mine, one who has had her own series of disappointments in life yet finds a way to make peace with it and move on. I hadn't had a particularly trying day, but I was still feeling the weight of dissatisfaction. She sent me a text, and it said, "Find the happy in your life. Go for a drive in your car (I do have a fun car), get a drink (Vanilla Dr. Pepper from Sonic), or splurge on a movie you've been wanting."

Of course, we both know happiness isn't found just in the things of this world. However, we do have what I like to call "the small things in life," those things which lift our spirits enough to see the positive in what has discouraged us. And from there we can hopefully begin to see "the happy" in our disappointment, the things that are worth living for.

She's Having a Baby

I recently traveled back to Missouri to be in a friend's wedding. I was there over Mother's Day weekend, and on the day of the rehearsal dinner, my sister was insistent that my entire family be present when she and her husband gave Mom her gift. I was rushing to get everything done and kept saying I did not need to be there but Katie would not let me out of it.

Finally, she came to my room and said they were going to give Mom her present. Noticing a onesie on my bed that I had bought for someone, Katie oohed and aahed over it, asking me if she could have it. I told her jokingly, "If you give me a niece or nephew right now, it's all yours!"Laughing, we left my room and joined the rest of the family. 

We were all seated in the living room in our normal any-holiday-that-includes-gifts fashion. You know, where everyone is sitting waiting for the recipient of the gift to open it and making small talk in the meantime. At least that's how our gift-giving usually goes!  Katie and AJ handed Mom her gift. Mom pulled away the paper and there it was. The evidence that all of our lives were about to change forever. In the form of a book.

We all sat in silence for a second before the meaning behind the book registered in my mind. I jumped up and squealed, "Are you serious?!" and burst into the happiest tears I've ever felt in my life thus far. Dad and my brother, Zack, had not seen the cover yet and were a little confused until Mom let out her own squeal of "She's pregnant!" 

I can tell you that I have thought of that moment many times over the years, what it would be like when Katie makes the announcement that little ones are going to join our family soon, or even if Zack or myself would be the first to introduce our family to the wonder that is grandparenthood/aunthood and unclehood. When I laid eyes on that book cover, however, and then looked at my sister who had this joy and even slightly nervous look on her face, all of the ways I played that moment in my mind before vanished. In its place was an inexplicable happiness that I am going to be an aunt.

A few weeks ago, my brother-in-law sent me a picture of the ultrasound. When it downloaded to my phone and I opened it, I just stared at the little baby taking shape in my sister. My heart swelled with love for that baby, and I honestly felt emotions at such a level I did not know existed. My love for him/her is already overwhelming, and I can't imagine what it will be like to meet that precious little baby. I do know that I will be one of the best aunts that baby could ever hope for, with lots of spoiling, I'm sure!

Constant Change is Here to Stay

Change is not something that I welcome with open arms. It's not that I hate change. In some ways, I look forward to new things. Adventures and starting a new chapter. Starting fresh. However, I have found in examining my own life thus far that when things do change, it is never minor. It is not something that can go unnoticed nor is it gradual. In my experience, a tidal wave of change hits my life leaving no area untouched.

When I was younger, there was a phrase that was constantly said in my church. "Constant change is here to stay." If something new happened in my family or at church that affected my life, Mom would listen to my complaints for about five minutes before reminding me of this phrase. It almost became a mantra that everyone repeated. "We are moving out of town? Constant change is here to stay." "The church is headed in this direction now? Constant change is here to stay." As a person who was uncomfortable with change and had strong attachments to the familiar, I seriously came to despise "constant change" and all that it stood for. I just rolled my eyes and mentally gagged as those words swirled around me, wreaking havoc in my life.

As I grew older, it became more clear to me why I detested change so much. I like consistency in my life. Surprises and spontaneity are good, but not if it knocks me off my feet in the process. I'm a planner who likes to prepare for what's coming. With new seasons looming before me, however, there is no way to know when it will happen and where I will end up. 

In August, I moved to California, and I thought that was my "big" change for the next year at least. Now, I have been here almost seven months, and I see more change in the near future. Perhaps it is not as grand as packing my bags and moving across the country. Still I see it, looking right at me, waiting to see if I will jump into the waves. I feel the nervous anticipation and excitement as I wait. I've realized that for the first time, I am glad constant change is here to stay. It means starting a new chapter in life and growing into a better person. My stomach is filled with thousands of tiny butterflies and my heart is starting to beat a tiny bit faster, but I'm ready for that wave to sweep me away. I'm letting go of all my own ideas about what life should be and where I should be going to start a fresh chapter in the life of Nikki.

United...to Make Your Trip Stressful, Frustrating, and Complicated

This reminded me of traveling in Europe in so many ways. This is one of the reasons I don't like to travel alone. I sent this email to United Airlines this morning. Hopefully, I am not brushed off!

Dear United,

While traveling back to Fresno, CA from Omaha, NE, my plane from LAX to FAT was overbooked. The agent asked if anyone would be willing to give up their seats and would be compensated with a $400 voucher, a meal voucher, and a paid night in a hotel near the airport. This was right before boarding, around 7:45pm. I graciously gave up my seat trying to help out since no one else was willing. This was a large mistake on my part. It took the agent from then until 9:15pm to get my vouchers figured out. My checked suitcase had been pulled off the plane and sent down to baggage claim, but by the time I got down there, a ramp worker had taken it back upstairs for some reason. The baggage service worker just kept saying "The ramp guy took your bag to the ramp." I don't know where that was because I did not have any tags directing to my new flight, just the old tag with the flight that had already departed. I waited for fifteen minutes before my bag was sent back down. This caused me to miss a shuttle to my hotel, and I waited for thirty minutes until the next one came. I finally arrived at the Westin LAX around 10:15pm. I was exhausted at this point, as I had been traveling since early morning. I went to check-in, and the desk clerk told me my voucher was not valid. The agent at my gate had given me the wrong copy, and as I've never had a voucher before, I did not know this. Both the meal voucher and hotel voucher were unacceptable. The clerk told me to go BACK to the airport and get the right one. He said the hotel was sold out, but he had a room for me in the United block of rooms. I had to take my rather large suitcase and two carry-ons back to the the airport to talk to a representative. Once I arrived, I had to wait in line at the check-in counter for twenty minutes to speak to someone. When I talked to a representative, she was not helpful at all. She said she could not give me a voucher because the hotel was sold out, and I had to go get my original from my gate. I was given a security checkpass, but that did not matter. Once at security, I was told my suitcase would not fit through the scanner. I knew this because it was the one I always check and had just gotten from baggage claim over an hour before. Finally they let me try, but first the TSA worker made me leave all my liquids behind. That was very upsetting; I had expensive shampoo and conditioner, brand new expensive lotion, face wash, face lotion, and eye makeup remover. No one was willing to help me out at all. The worker said she would be there until 11:15pm but once she was gone, she would not watch my stuff and it would be up for grabs. It was already 11:05pm at this point. I finally made it through security and got upstairs to the gate. I talked to a gate agent, and she said I did not have to do all of that to get my right voucher. That made me furious. I was sent to a gate further down to talk to a supervisor, and I told her my dilemma. The gate agent had originally given me the auditor's copy of the vouchers. I told her about my liquids downstairs but she ignored me and would not help me get them back. They were at the entrance of security, so I could not go back down to get it. I was finally given the right vouchers and sent on my way. I made it back to the hotel at 11:45pm and was almost not even surprised to find out that United had overbooked the hotel as well by sending people there when they had no rooms left. Of course, my room had been given away. I was asked to wait 45 minutes to see if housekeeping had cleaned any of the rooms. It was long after midnight when I finally received a room, and after one before I was finally in bed. I had an early flight and had to get up at 5:15am. I was also unable to even use the meal voucher, as it was for dinner. I would like to be properly compensated for being so inconvenienced and for not being treated as a valued customer. When I tried to speak with a representative or agent at the airport, I was brushed off and ignored. That is unacceptable, no matter how busy they are. The $400 voucher doesn't begin to cover the frustration, uncertainty, and exhaustion that night caused me. Sincerely, Anastasia

Wedding Crashers: A Cultural Experience

Yes, it's true. The highlight of my weekend was crashing a wedding reception with Alejandra and Stephanie. I did not know the bride or the groom. I've only known the person who invited me for a week. Still, we were welcomed most graciously, along with the other guests, with delicious food and party favors.

Alejandra's co-worker and friend, Gabi, asked if we wanted to come with her to her cousin's Hispanic wedding reception Saturday evening. It was in Reedley, in a rural outdoors park-like area. It was a beautiful evening, definitely not too warm. When we arrived, some people were already there and had started eating. We found room at a table, and our food was brought to us, as well as water and our own bottle of Fanta (grapefruit=delicious!) to share. The food was aMAZING! Carnitas, beans, and rice with tortillas, and it was all about the flavor. That was some food I could get used to. Gabi said ten pigs were killed for the dinner. We thanked the pigs for their sacrifice. It was worth it! :)

As we ate our meal, Gabi shared some of the traditions of her culture. About a eight months to a year before the wedding, the betrothed couple ask family members and friends of the families for sponsorships- varying amounts for different wedding expenses. The sponsors then either provide money or sometimes provide whatever they chose to pay for (decorations, favors, cake, etc.). This can make for a very large reception because the sponsors invite people to the wedding. From what I understand, it's kind of like, "I am sponsoring a wedding this weekend. Would you like to go with me, friend from work, uncle, cousin, brother?" But no one minds! It's about celebrating. I like that a lot.

Mmm...ice cream!

After our meal, we sat and talked as more people arrived. Most people, once finished eating, would move to chairs set around the edge the perimeter of the yard so new people could sit and eat. We noticed some children eating Mexican ice cream, and we went to find some as well. A man was selling from the back of his van in three flavors. Fresa (strawberry), Vainilla (vanilla), and Limón (lime). I tried the fresa and it was so good! It had real bits of fruit in it. The Vainilla was good too, with a hint of cinnamon to it. It tasted like chai, which if you know me at all, then you know that is my drink of choice. So the ice cream was a big success. :)

After we had sat at the table for quite awhile, we moved over to watch the dancing. They did not hire a mariachi band, but the music was still very much fiesta-ish and a lot of fun to listen to. We even danced to a couple of songs. Basically, if you can move your feet to the beat, then you will be fine out there. Add a little hip-swaying and you are golden. If the music died down at all during the song, you could hear all of the feet moving against the pavement. It was really a lot of fun! One song in particular stands out in my mind, and I can still hear the repetitious notes being played over and over. It was played while they honored the sponsors of the wedding. Names were called out, one by one, and they would join the newlyweds on the dance floor.

Party favors

Overall, it was a beautiful reception, filled with celebration and love. I had a fantastic time and wouldn't mind being a part of something like that again! The only bummer for me was that we didn't get to try the cake. They cut their pieces to feed each other, but never cut the cake. Pretty soon, the children and I suspect a few adults had tested the frosting, making the cake bare in some places. I don't think I would have wanted the cake then anyways. Finally, I am including a picture of my party favors. One is a magnet of a bride and groom with a ribbon bow attached that reads "Neuestra Boda" or "Our Wedding." The second is just decorative, with a clay-like rose and calla Lilly and clear beads with ribbon. It's lovely!