Old(er)

Growing up, I remember lying in bed the night before my birthday, unable to sleep from the excitement and anticipation building up on the inside. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to think about boring things that usually made me doze off, but this one night of the year, I could not for the life of me fall asleep. I did not even have that much trouble on Christmas eve compared to the night before my birthday. I just wanted it to be here...so so much.

Somehow, I managed to finally let Mr. Sandman work his magic, and my birthday came. No matter how little sleep I got the night before, this was the one morning of the year that I could bounce out of bed at 6:30 or 7:00 in the morning with no problem. I was ready to enjoy my birthday.

My 4th birthday

As I grew older, I started counting down to my birthday. When I say count down, I do not mean ten days before or three weeks before. I am talking months before. September 1st rolled around and BAM. Halfway mark. Six months and counting. I had to be one of the most annoying people obsessed about her birthday, yet my friends and family accepted my enthusiasm as a part of who I was.

After my birthday treat at school, dinner with my family, checking the mailbox for cards from relatives and opening my presents, I got ready for bed and was filled with a sinking feeling. Today was over. It was over. I had a whole year ahead of me now with no special day belonging to me. The rest of the year just felt so...ordinary.

My 17th birthday

This year, I was feeling a sort of trepidation. I did not want to move forward another year. I had the sinking feeling already, and my birthday had not even happened. 23 just felt old(er). I still wanted to be the four-year-old who got Pretty Pretty Princess and a big girl bike for her birthday, the seventeen-year-old who had the most memorable birthday party ever. But 23? What is special about that? That is halfway between 20 and 25. It's the peak of the mini rollercoaster in my 20s. I just wanted to put the brakes on and stop 22 from leaving me.

Today, I thought about being 23, and all of a sudden, it was cool to me. I could almost picture 23 being this very sophisticated age and making 22 seem very young and carefree. Of course, I wish I could be young and carefree forever, but if I can't, I would love it even more to be sophisticated and grown up. And that is what 23 has come to mean to me. Grown up. An adult. 23 is the first year for me since I was five that will have no form of schooling in it. It is the peak between 20 and 25, but as I see it, I just keep getting more sophisticated from here on out, as my age increases. As Payton, who is five put it, I am going to be a "lady soon when I keep getting older."

Cake my BFF, Kate, made on my 21st birthday

So now, 23 is no longer the big bad age that makes me want to hide under the covers until March 2. It is the "perfect" age; perfect in the sense that I am going to make the most of each day spent in 23, and not one of them will be ordinary. Because I am no ordinary person with a ho-hum life. I aim to make 23 my best year yet, full of adventure and excitement. The bar has been set high by 22 with graduating from college AND going to Europe, but I think 23 will surpass even that.

Hello, 23. :)

Who Let the Dogs Out?

     Fear. How many times do we let fear get the best of us? Let it wreak havoc on our minds and leave us unable to function normally? How often do we give in rather than overcome?

   
     I will be the first to tell you that I do this more often than not. In this case, my fear is very much concrete. I have had this fear since I was around five years old, and some have even labeled it a "phobia" due to its intensity. I don't like to advertise it, and besides, if you get to know me at all, this definitely comes up at some point. It's inevitable.

     I am afraid, no, petrified of dogs. 

     I first learned the word "petrified" in junior high. Once I heard it, I latched onto it, knowing it was the perfect word to describe my fear. Other words have been added, including "terrified" and "phobic" yet "petrified" encompasses all these things and more. The thesaurus reads (in synonyms for "petrified"),

"afraid, alarmed, anxious, fearful, frightened, frozen, have cold feet, immobilized, in a cold sweat, in a panic, numb, panicky, scared, scared stiff, spooked, terror-stricken, terrorized, unnerved."

     In a nutshell, that is me around dogs. Actual live dogs. Not pictures or movies of dogs (just to be clear). Now, I know that writing something like this could cause issue, as some people don't understand how an adult could have a fear like this. I understand that. I wish I knew why it still plagues me as well. This is just my story, and hopefully, there is a happy ending someday. :)

     As I said before, this fear began when I was just starting school and involved a large dog I didn't know at a park. From then on, dogs were the enemy. Since then, if I know there is a dog around, my heart starts beating quickly and loudly in my ears, my stomach ties up in knots, and I feel sick. My whole body starts shaking so badly, that at times my knees start knocking together. I usually end up crying as well. 

     As a child, I was met with varying reactions to my fear. Some were very compassionate and would hold their dog around me or put the dog in a different room/outside. Others were not so kind and chose to let the dog run around me while I tried climbing up any adult nearest me. (If I ever did that to someone reading this, I apologize.) I don't begrudge those who didn't help me. They just didn't understand. 

     In my teenage years, I could obviously no longer climb on my dad's shoulders or scramble onto the back of a family member. Instead of going into crying hysterics, I would freeze whenever I saw a dog (or refuse to get out of the house/vehicle) and when my parents or whoever pushed me, I would panic/get angry and turn into...well, a big meanie. Even now, in the rare occasions that I am forced to face my fear, my reflex is to get mad at the person nearest me and lash out. 

     I think the biggest part of my fear is that I feel alone in it. I don't mean that I feel like I am the only one who has the fear, but that I am the only one around me who understands  it. Recently, my mom pointed out it wasn't true. My mom and dad have been going through it twenty one years too. They've been the ones I've climbed on, pleaded with, and yelled at. My brother and sister have also had to learn how to deal with it.  My friends too. Anyone that I am close to has had to hold a dog, make sure a dog is put away, or help me calm down after I've had an encounter with a dog. It takes its toll on everyone.

     When I was in Europe in the fall, one thing I noticed was that I wasn't afraid of the dogs there. I was jumpy at times because most dogs are so well trained that they do not even need leashes, but overall, I was calm and in control when a dog crossed my path. I started to wonder why that was. It wasn't like a conscious decision to "get over" my fear, but somehow, I was doing that. I thought at first that maybe it was because the dogs there are so well-trained, that I wasn't nervous. That was before I went to Copenhagen. 

     One day, I was walking through Copenhagen with a friend, looking at all the touristy stuff by New Harbour. As we walked, I saw a stray sea dog coming towards us. It looked like a sheepdog.  I was a little nervous, but my friend was talking and I didn't want to interrupt her. I kept my heart rate at a decent level and tried to show no signs I was scared. We passed by the dog...and nothing happened. It kept walking. I was amazed at myself. Something like that back home would have frozen me in terror. 

     I decided after much thought that the reason I did so well over in Europe had two reasons. 1) I was alone a lot without my usual "support group" of family and friends to help me when I crossed paths with a dog, and 2) I didn't want to look foolish in front of the people I was visiting. Since I can't go live in Europe just because I am not afraid of dogs there, I started to research what it would take here to get me over my fear.

     There is therapy for this. I am not the only one out there who struggles with this fear. But it involves a dog park. I live in a small town, and there is no dog park near me. Plus, I don't feel comfortable asking some stranger if I can pet their dog, followed by playing with it two weeks later. (Although perhaps that is normal at a dog park. I have no idea obviously.) That idea was nixed then rather quickly. 

     I am still looking for ideas or suggestions. I really do think that enough is enough. My sister is being of great help right now. She has a dog that lives indoors, and tonight, I went in the same room as the dog (a big deal), and she didn't even have to hold him. He just laid there calmly. I got less than six inches away too. This is progress for me, as her dog is a lab and can be pretty hyper. (He is an eight month old puppy and full of energy.) 

     I know my family and friends will continue to help me work this out. I know this fear can be removed, if I am willing to work on it. And I am. Starting now.

 

An Old Haunt Revisited

Most people don't stay in their hometown to attend college after high school...but I did.

Most people don't stay in their college town after they graduate from college...but I did.

It can't come as a surprise then that it feels odd to visit old haunts, as Anne would say, around the university. Memories flood my mind as I pass by the buildings or see groups of college kids walking down Franklin to eat on the square in between classes. Was I really them just last year?

For the first time since Finals Week in May 2010, I walked into the Student Union Building today. I purposely avoided this moment for months because a) I wanted it to be a majestic moment when I did go back, such as a reunion with friends and b) it just feels weird going back since I've graduated. Everything feels different.

There was no angelic chorus when I walked through the door, no bright lights making a way for me. If anything, there were a few rays of sun reflecting on the snow. I walked down the stairs in a nearly empty building and found my way to the ATM, which is why I was there in the first place. Another dash in my majestic return. No friends awaited me. Only some dancers, and from the way they were dressed and the music they were listening to, I am assuming they were swing dancers. I found the right ATM and almost laughed out loud. The poor dancers had put their laptop between two of the machines and taped computer speakers to the top of the two ATMs. Unfortunately, I needed one of those ATMs. They had to wait until I was finished with my transaction before they could continue. I felt awkward going through the process to withdraw money. Oh, and did I mention the ATM was using some sort of dial-up connection? I can equate it best to retrieving money from a machine and having someone behind you waiting in line, only times that person by six.

Although I did not have the beautiful return to Truman like I wanted, running into the arms of friends who have moved away and seeing professors from past classes, what happened today reminded me how much I loved being in college. Why is it that we rush through life trying to get somewhere else instead of enjoying exactly where God has placed us?

"A Really Kindred Spirit"

"A bosom friend -- an intimate friend, you know -- a really kindred spirit to whom I can confide my inmost soul. I've dreamed of meeting her all my life. I never really supposed I would, but so many of my loveliest dreams have come true all at once that perhaps this one will too. Do you think it's possible?" ~Anne of Green Gables

I know that I do not post blogs regularly. I rarely have anything of great import to post. I even slacked when I was in Europe. Today, however, I have something impressed upon my heart: thankfulness. I know, I know. Thanksgiving was last week. That doesn't matter to me though. I will always be thankful for something, and right now I am thankful for my kindred spirit, Serenity.

I would not even know what a kindred spirit was if it were not for Serenity. She introduced me to the Anne of Green Gables series when I was thirteen years old. I read the books, all eight of them, because she liked them...and I liked her. I wanted to be just like her, and if she loved Anne so much, I wanted to see why. I was immediately sucked into Avonlea and the characters' lives, connecting with Anne as if she were a long lost friend. When I finished the series, I was devastated. There had to be more than this! (It turns out there was, but it was just published in 2009: The Blythes Are Quoted.)

I don't remember quite when I realized that Serenity was a kindred spirit. I think I always felt the connection, that strong tie that binds you to a person, but I never said it until I was a freshman in college. Once I was out of high school, the unseen barrier that divides the child from the adult was removed, and I could comfortably say, "I think you will always be my kindred spirit." (Something I did say in an email that I still have to this day.)

Having a kindred spirit, I have learned, is a beautiful thing. Not only do you never run out of things to talk about or have several common interests, but you always feel loved and cherished by someone no matter what. I don't know how many times Serenity has offered her support and love. So often I wanted the chance to do the same in return. I wish I could write a song about this as easily as Taylor Swift does or write a poem describing exactly how much Serenity means to me. Instead, I will use modern technology to shout to the world how amazing she is, how beautiful she is, both inside and out. I will tell everyone when I talk about her that her positive attitude, even when life is handing her lemons, her strength, her bravery far exceeds my own and most other people I know. I will do my best to describe the light that shines out of her smile, her laughter, and her eyes when you are with her, and you can't help but be affected. I feel a deep pride in saying, "Seren is my friend, my kindred spirit."

Ooh La La! The Thrills of Paris!

Before I delve into Paris, I will do a quick recap of Spain:

It was beauitful! I went to the beach on Monday, and for the most part the weather was perfection. It did rain on our walk back to the bus, but I still think it was worth seeing San Sebastian! I explored some on my own, but my favorite part was shopping, of course! I found the most flattering jacket and bought it. The city of Bilbao itself was filled with architecture everywhere...statues, stairs, even the metro system had some architecture at either main entrance. I loved every moment. Seeing Jenny was great too, and I felt bad that she was sick and I was too. It made the damp weather hard to go out in, but we did our best, and I am satisfied with my time in Spain.

Now on to Paris! Can anyone say whirlwind adventure? We only had one and a half days really, but the girls and I managed to see a few things and experience Paris at its finest. We of course saw the Eiffel Tower, Arc de Triomphe, Notre Dame, and the Louvre. There was lots of walking involved as well as getting lost on the metro a few times. It was all part of the adventure though! Saturday night, we ate at one of the most delightful little cafes across from the Notre Dame. I had the crème brûlée, which was to die for! I would go back to Paris just to have that again. :)

While we were at the TOP of the Eiffel Tower, Elise saw someone get proposed to. The woman said yes, thankfully, and then they went back to talking! I suppose none of us really know what you do in that situation, but we thought going back to talking immediately after was a little weird. I guess on top of the Eiffel Tower, you can't do much else. Maybe scream that you are engaged...like yelling it from the rooftops? I know that's what I would do...but I don't want to be proposed to up there. :)

English at Heart

I'm not off to a very good start of blogging, am I? :) I will try harder to write more than once a week!

This week has been filled with touristy things and travel! I saw Les Miserables and fell in love with it. It is such an emotional story. I also toured several places on Monday, including Westminster Abbey, Winston Churchill's War Cabinets and Museum, saw the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace, and viewed the London Bridge and Tower of London. That already seems so long ago though!

I am now in the English countryside and have been enjoying the quiet and peaceful atmosphere. I was able to help out in the church's school that I am visiting. Here, my degree in English and specifically British literature, is quite useful! I was told by one of the teachers that I am really English at heart. That made me so happy. :)

I drove to Winchester yesterday (left) and explored the city, known for the Great Hall (part of Arthurian legend) and the Round Table, as well as Jane Austen's house and gravesite. It was the perfect day. I was obviously overwhelmed when I stood over Jane's grave and realized that this was the place she actually was, not in some far off place that I read about online or imagined while reading Pride and Prejudice. It was wonderful.

Tonight, I am going to a barn dance (yeehaw!), but I don't think it's anything like what I've been to back home. I am sure there will be pictures and some detail to come on that event. :)

Tomorrow, it's off to the next adventure!

It's a Jolly Holiday in London!

I've walked a lot in the past two days and seen many touristy things! I was mostly on foot and today I am completely sore, but it was worth it. Of course, it rained the whole time but rain here is different. It's just sort of present and you get used to it. It's also just a drizzling sort and never pours like at home. :) In all, I covered about 4 miles on foot, which turned out to be a good exercise for me. I saw the National Gallery, which has several famous paintings and was overwhelming. I loved that I had taken an art history course and learned about most of the paintings. I also visited St. Martin's, a church next to the Gallery. I ate in the cafe downstairs in the crypt...quite interesting to say the least. I also walked to Westminster Abbey and crossed the Thames, right by Big Ben! It was a wonderful first day!

Today was a special day...I visited John Keats' house. He was my senior seminar research topic, and it felt unreal that I could sit in the very room he worked in and touch the same mantle he stood at. It was absolutely delightful. I could not take indoor pictures, but the outdoor landscape was beautiful. There was a mulberry tree that had been there for over 200 years!

The people here are lovely as well. I feel right at home with everyone and am learning how everything works here. I watched the X Factor tonight (and not on youtube for once), and also their version of Dancing With the Stars (called Come Strictly Dancing). They had a former member of Parliament dancing! It was, um...yeah. Anyway, I am a happy girl here having the time of her life!