As I mentioned in my last post, I recently had a two part
revelation. I shared the first part here.
The second part of the revelation brings a new chapter in my life. For the past
several months, I have struggled with wanting to stay in Kirksville. I wanted
to take a step outside of my comfort zone and move forward with my life, but I
kept finding reasons that made staying easier. I have a good job, I have a good
living arrangement where I get along with my roommate, and I have some of the
strongest friendships I’ve ever had in my life. My life looked complete. I didn’t
feel that way though. Don’t misunderstand; those things are all good, but I
knew that my life was meant to be more than just a good job and a house that I
liked. That is when I started to reassess what I wanted out of life and what my
reasons were for staying in Kirksville.
Aside from being the place where I grew up, Kirksville has
given me three things that make it hard to leave:
1. A safe place to come back to when needed
2. Solid job experience
3. Long-lasting relationships
My job, while fast-paced and one that keeps me on my toes, has been
a blessing. Starting part-time and moving around the building until landing on
Assistant to the CEO in less than three years was not something I could have
achieved on my own. I have learned a lot by working in the different areas of the
building: how a business works, the different aspects of patient care,
administrative duties, and that I have the perseverance and ability to
accomplish what is set before me. Also, in the words of The Wonder Pets, “What’s gonna work? TEAMWORK!” (I love that show.)
I am part of a team. A team that celebrates with you, holds you up when you are
barely getting by, and one who supports you. I knew that even if I made one of
the hardest decisions to move on somewhere else, I would feel the support and
love from my work family. Over half of the long-lasting relationships I
mentioned are in that building.
That left number one and number three on my list. Three
years ago, which actually feels like another lifetime, I came back broken
and drained from California. Kirksville was my safe haven to rebuild the
relationship that had been bruised and strained between my family and me, as
well as the place that I would recoup emotionally, mentally, and spiritually
before moving to the next place. I had no idea where I wanted to go, but I did
not plan to stay in Kirksville forever. What I didn’t realize then nor did I
later want to accept is that in order to move forward, I had to sort through
some things in my heart and mind, revisiting memories that I did not want to
remember. Instead, I shut out 16 years of my life, so to speak, and sealed off
that part of me. In doing that, I wasn’t free of the brokenness I felt, the
pain, the frustration and hurt. That only led to the fear that I would fail
again, which is how I saw California. A big fat failure. I was afraid to try
something new in case it didn’t work out the way I wanted.
It wasn’t until earlier this year that I saw the truth. I
did not fail in California. No, my time there did not end the way I would have
liked or chosen for myself. That didn't mean I failed though. In reality, I
grew up- a lot- and I became my own person for the first time in my life. I
thought for myself. I made a decision that was best for me. We aren’t perfect.
I know that I’m not. I accept that. I accept that I make mistakes, but leaving
California was not one of them. Moving there was not a mistake either. I needed
to go there, for a reason that I don’t quite always understand, except that my
relationship with my family depended on it. Since coming back to Kirksville,
my family and I are closer than ever before. My sister and brother are my best
friends. My niece and soon-to-be born niece are my heart. Most importantly, I
understand my parents and what they’ve been through in life and have greater
respect for them than I did 9 years ago. I was no longer afraid to move because
of my fear of failure.
Next came my friendships. I started mentioning that I was
thinking about moving, and my friends were sad. I was too. I had worked so hard
to cultivate my relationships, and I couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing
them on a regular basis. I need my friends, and I like to think they need me too. For some
reason, the thought of leaving my friends was the worst part. It kept me in
Kirksville much longer than I wanted to be in Kirksville. I kept telling myself
that I had to stay because my friendships alone were enough. Don’t get me
wrong. I have pretty spectacular friends, and even when I make new friends in
the future, they won’t replace what I already have. The problem was
that I was using my friendships in Kirksville as another excuse not to leave because making new friends can be hard. I wanted to keep the same friends, and
I wanted Kirksville to work out, but I was feeling miserable.
One day, a friend of mine gave me some news about her life,
and I had my second revelation. All of my friends’ lives were moving forward.
They were sincerely happy with their lives, and I was not happy with mine. My
life was not moving in the direction I wanted it to go, and as long as I stayed
in Kirksville, it would continue to stay put. I saw my friends paddling by me in the river called life, and I was sitting alone in a canoe, going in circles. I had to make
another tough decision. What was best for me? Where am I supposed to be? As
much as I wanted to stay with my friends, things were changing. I couldn’t put
my life on hold any longer.
Of course, leave it to my favorite Disney movie to inspire
me. I’ve said it before, but Belle understands my heart when she sings,
“I want much
more than this provincial life
music builds
I want
adventure in the great wide somewhere
I want it
more than I can tell”
I’m ready
for my next adventure. As I write this, I am driving to Fort Worth, Texas,
where my new adventure awaits. While this trip is just to visit, the next time
I make the drive, it will be to start fresh and see what happens. I don’t have
all of my ducks in a row, but for the first time that
doesn’t matter. I’m excited about life again and the possibilities waiting for me.
