Real Talk: Things Are Gonna Get Easier

So - real talk, as my friend would say. There are two things everyone should know about me. I love music, and I love adventure. And yes, in my life, they connect. Music has always been a deep-rooted part of my life. Playing the piano and writing songs were one of my favorite pastimes as a child. My sister and I "led" worship services around our family piano, taking turns leading and singing harmony. My mom played "oldies but goodies" for us, and my love for 50s and 60s rock was formed. We danced around in our handmade poodle skirts to "At the Hop" and "Turn, Turn, Turn" until we could no longer stand. My dad typically had Golden Country playing, and I knew the lyrics to "Hey Good Lookin'" by the time I was six years old. To this day, if you get in his truck, you will hear Merle Haggard, Johnny Cash, or another legend from Willie's Roadhouse singing about a woman, the bottle, or the blues. And if I am being completely honest, you might hear the same if you get in my car.

I've been through some rocky times in my 20s. Ironically enough, some of my heartache and struggle came from times when I was adventurous and stepped out of my comfort zone. When I find myself dealing with hurt, anger, sadness, etc., a song always makes its way into my life. A friend might recommend one, or I might stumble across a song on the radio that expresses exactly what I am feeling. It might even be a song I've known for years. However it happens, the music and lyrics help me work through what I am facing. 

Tonight the song "Ooh Child" by The Five Stairsteps came to mind as I was thinking about my next steps. I have been contemplating life lately and what led me to where I am now. I mean, really contemplating. Thinking about past circumstances, events, and decisions that date back further than just a few years. Honestly, if someone had told me five years ago that I would not be living in California but in St. Louis, and it would be my fourth city in five years, I'd probably laugh. Or cry. In theory, I love adventure. I crave adventure. I wish I didn't have student/car loans so that I could travel all over the world and live in far off places. The reality, however, is that there is still a part of me that hates change and longs for consistency. It's an inner battle that I am constantly fighting- my desire for spontaneity and all things new versus my Type A personality of what my life should be at 28. Adventure always wins out eventually, and I am glad that it does. Saying yes to it does not make the transition easier though. Things don't always fall into place the way I think they should, and sometimes I have to wait longer than I want for something to happen. Even now, as much as I want this new adventure, I'm jobless in a new city, trying to figure out what happens next. It scares me a little. Still, deep down, I know that things will get easier. And brighter. I just have to hold onto that and believe it. Time to make a playlist for this adventure.

Adventure in the Great Wide Somewhere

As I mentioned in my last post, I recently had a two part revelation. I shared the first part here. The second part of the revelation brings a new chapter in my life. For the past several months, I have struggled with wanting to stay in Kirksville. I wanted to take a step outside of my comfort zone and move forward with my life, but I kept finding reasons that made staying easier. I have a good job, I have a good living arrangement where I get along with my roommate, and I have some of the strongest friendships I’ve ever had in my life. My life looked complete. I didn’t feel that way though. Don’t misunderstand; those things are all good, but I knew that my life was meant to be more than just a good job and a house that I liked. That is when I started to reassess what I wanted out of life and what my reasons were for staying in Kirksville.

Aside from being the place where I grew up, Kirksville has given me three things that make it hard to leave:     

1. A safe place to come back to when needed

2. Solid job experience

3. Long-lasting relationships

My job, while fast-paced and one that keeps me on my toes, has been a blessing. Starting part-time and moving around the building until landing on Assistant to the CEO in less than three years was not something I could have achieved on my own. I have learned a lot by working in the different areas of the building: how a business works, the different aspects of patient care, administrative duties, and that I have the perseverance and ability to accomplish what is set before me. Also, in the words of The Wonder Pets, “What’s gonna work? TEAMWORK!” (I love that show.) I am part of a team. A team that celebrates with you, holds you up when you are barely getting by, and one who supports you. I knew that even if I made one of the hardest decisions to move on somewhere else, I would feel the support and love from my work family. Over half of the long-lasting relationships I mentioned are in that building.

That left number one and number three on my list. Three years ago, which actually feels like another lifetime, I came back broken and drained from California. Kirksville was my safe haven to rebuild the relationship that had been bruised and strained between my family and me, as well as the place that I would recoup emotionally, mentally, and spiritually before moving to the next place. I had no idea where I wanted to go, but I did not plan to stay in Kirksville forever. What I didn’t realize then nor did I later want to accept is that in order to move forward, I had to sort through some things in my heart and mind, revisiting memories that I did not want to remember. Instead, I shut out 16 years of my life, so to speak, and sealed off that part of me. In doing that, I wasn’t free of the brokenness I felt, the pain, the frustration and hurt. That only led to the fear that I would fail again, which is how I saw California. A big fat failure. I was afraid to try something new in case it didn’t work out the way I wanted.

It wasn’t until earlier this year that I saw the truth. I did not fail in California. No, my time there did not end the way I would have liked or chosen for myself. That didn't mean I failed though. In reality, I grew up- a lot- and I became my own person for the first time in my life. I thought for myself. I made a decision that was best for me. We aren’t perfect. I know that I’m not. I accept that. I accept that I make mistakes, but leaving California was not one of them. Moving there was not a mistake either. I needed to go there, for a reason that I don’t quite always understand, except that my relationship with my family depended on it. Since coming back to Kirksville, my family and I are closer than ever before. My sister and brother are my best friends. My niece and soon-to-be born niece are my heart. Most importantly, I understand my parents and what they’ve been through in life and have greater respect for them than I did 9 years ago. I was no longer afraid to move because of my fear of failure.

Next came my friendships. I started mentioning that I was thinking about moving, and my friends were sad. I was too. I had worked so hard to cultivate my relationships, and I couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing them on a regular basis. I need my friends, and I like to think they need me too. For some reason, the thought of leaving my friends was the worst part. It kept me in Kirksville much longer than I wanted to be in Kirksville. I kept telling myself that I had to stay because my friendships alone were enough. Don’t get me wrong. I have pretty spectacular friends, and even when I make new friends in the future, they won’t replace what I already have. The problem was that I was using my friendships in Kirksville as another excuse not to leave because making new friends can be hard. I wanted to keep the same friends, and I wanted Kirksville to work out, but I was feeling miserable.

One day, a friend of mine gave me some news about her life, and I had my second revelation. All of my friends’ lives were moving forward. They were sincerely happy with their lives, and I was not happy with mine. My life was not moving in the direction I wanted it to go, and as long as I stayed in Kirksville, it would continue to stay put. I saw my friends paddling by me in the river called life, and I was sitting alone in a canoe, going in circles. I had to make another tough decision. What was best for me? Where am I supposed to be? As much as I wanted to stay with my friends, things were changing. I couldn’t put my life on hold any longer.

Of course, leave it to my favorite Disney movie to inspire me. I’ve said it before, but Belle understands my heart when she sings,

“I want much more than this provincial life

music builds

I want adventure in the great wide somewhere

I want it more than I can tell”

I’m ready for my next adventure. As I write this, I am driving to Fort Worth, Texas, where my new adventure awaits. While this trip is just to visit, the next time I make the drive, it will be to start fresh and see what happens. I don’t have all of my ducks in a row, but for the first time that doesn’t matter. I’m excited about life again and the possibilities waiting for me.

To All the People Pleasers Out There

"We must not confuse the command to love with the disease to please." - Lisa Terkeurst

I've had a two-part revelation, and it is one that I am still trying to fully grasp and make sense of in my own life. The first part comes down to two words: People Pleaser.

I've been a people pleaser for nearly twenty years. It was how I grew up. I've learned as an adult that it comes from the need to feel accepted while at the same time, proving myself to others. What I tend to be left with are feelings of anxiety that I am not nor will I ever be good enough...for my friends, my job, even my family at times. Once let in, anxiety wraps itself around your mind, snakes down through your heart and settles in the pit of your stomach. I should know. I've lived with anxiety for as long as I can remember. It has become such a common feeling that I don't know what it is like not to feel anxiety anymore.

I had never labeled myself as a people pleaser. It actually came about in the form of an innocent bulletin board decoration when I was thirteen years old. Each of my classmates and I were compared to an object that fit our personality, according to a few of our classmates who were in charge of putting it together. Someone was a stapler, I remember. I went up to the board and looked for my name. Another student saw it first and exclaimed that it was a perfect description. It must be something awesome!  I thought as I found my name. There it was- Little Debbie snack cake "because she pleases everyone." Someone else read it and was quick to say that it was true because I was such a people pleaser. At the time, I embraced that label and didn't think twice that maybe being a people pleaser wasn't necessarily a good thing.

Years later, in college, I was sorting through old folders and tubs of school papers, artwork, and notebooks from my childhood. Stuck in my junior high art folder was the small slip of paper that had been stapled to the bulletin board all those years ago. When I read it then, my heart sank to my stomach, and I felt disappointed. I had forgotten about that label, but I saw how it had affected me through the years. I crumpled up the paper and threw it in the trash with old math papers and science notes. Unfortunately, we don't always take those moments to heart. We continue to live with whatever labels we let the world give us. At least that is what happened in my case. More years of trying to please others followed until one day, I found myself in a place where it was not enough. The aftermath of that situation left me broken, and when I realized all my years of people pleasing had been in vain, anxiety drew itself around my heart and mind stronger than before.

In the name of being vulnerable, three years later, I still fight being a people pleaser. It isn't that I am
not sincere in my efforts; I work hard and try to be the best at what I do in all areas of my life- employee, friend, sister, and daughter. The problem is that it is not always enough and never will be. I am accepted by those around me, but I don't see it because I can't accept myself for who I am. I don't have to prove anything to the people in my life, but still I try. And it's never good enough. I mess up. I fail at tasks, at being a good sister or daughter. Then I let the anxiety taunt me and wreak havoc inside. It is time to see that being a people pleaser really is a disease. I have to love the people in my life enough to trust them and not compare them to past relationships. I have to take control of the anxiety that has set up residence inside of me and get rid of it. Just as importantly, I have to learn to know and accept who I am, then love and embrace that person.

Our Hearts Are Very, Very Old Friends

Camping Trip with our Moms' family

In Kindergarten, my cousin Amber and I were best friends. We tricked substitute teachers into letting us put our sleeping mats next to each other at nap, I helped her with spelling words, and she rewrote my answers because she had better handwriting. We even shared a boyfriend. (Remember, this was Kindergarten.) We were inseparable. One day, we had one of our first fights (aside from the normal "bickering", as my grandma called it). She came up to me at my desk, and while we were talking, I sat there opening and closing my scissors (the Fiskars real blade scissors), facing them out towards her. What I didn't realize was that I was actually cutting a hole in her shirt. I remember the panic and guilt that consumed me when I realized what had happened. The fact that she was going to not only tell the teacher, but my Aunt Donna and Mom, made me so scared. It was an accident, but I was at fault, so there really was no way to get out of it. We ended up fighting, Amber thinking I did it on purpose and my response being that I didn't but she shouldn't have been standing so close to me. Our other friends couldn't see how I didn't realize what I was doing. It ended in tears on both sides, and we didn't talk for the rest of the day, even when she came to my house after school. 

At my niece's 1st birthday party 

That was my first friendship "breakup", so to speak. I thought we were never going to be friends again. What I didn't know then is that tomorrow was a new day. My aunt fixed the shirt, Mom had me apologize, and Amber and I were friends again. This would be the first of a few "breakups" between us. Those breakups didn't last though. We are now closer than we were as children and I know that I can tell her anything and she will be there for me, and I am there for her.

Walking through life, we come across many types of friendships. Some friendships are formed as children or are made while navigating the teenage years. Others are based on location, location, location. Where you work at the time, the town you live in, or the college you attend. Even relatives can easily blend between family member and friend. I've come to find that the phrase "Best Friends Forever", used so openly and freely, is not always the case. People move on or away, lives drift in different directions, and communication becomes sparse if anything at all. There's also the breakups when our friendships don't survive but instead die.

Sometimes, however, we are fortuitous enough to find that friend who connects with your soul, and it doesn't matter if you live in the same town or see each other on a regular basis. These are kindred spirits, the companions that will walk life out with you, near or far. I am privileged to have found that in my friend, Serenity. I can pinpoint in my mind when our lives connected and not just over a love for Anne Shirley or the television show Friends. She is one of few in my life that I can truly say has proven to be a lasting friendship, a true soul connection. Our conversation didn't stop when I moved 2000 miles across the country or when she was going through treatment for cancer. Serenity once told me, "Our conversation is what happens when two friends are friends no matter what, unconditionally, because they love each other." That is a kindred soul.

Oscar Noms: Double Movie Date

We are lucky to be in the same town now, meeting weekly for lunches and adding in other fun adventures when possible. I know that when the time comes, and we aren't in the same town again, that won't matter. Our friendship isn't kept alive by eating lunch together or going to the movies. Don't get me wrong. I love those highlights and will miss them greatly, but I know we won't have a "breakup" or drift apart because we aren't in the same town anymore. As Hafiz wrote, "Your heart and my heart are very, very old friends." 

Happy birthday to you, Serenity. Thank you for being my soul connection and the best friend a girl could ask for. 

Constant Change is Here to Stay

Change is not something that I welcome with open arms. It's not that I hate change. In some ways, I look forward to new things. Adventures and starting a new chapter. Starting fresh. However, I have found in examining my own life thus far that when things do change, it is never minor. It is not something that can go unnoticed nor is it gradual. In my experience, a tidal wave of change hits my life leaving no area untouched.

When I was younger, there was a phrase that was constantly said in my church. "Constant change is here to stay." If something new happened in my family or at church that affected my life, Mom would listen to my complaints for about five minutes before reminding me of this phrase. It almost became a mantra that everyone repeated. "We are moving out of town? Constant change is here to stay." "The church is headed in this direction now? Constant change is here to stay." As a person who was uncomfortable with change and had strong attachments to the familiar, I seriously came to despise "constant change" and all that it stood for. I just rolled my eyes and mentally gagged as those words swirled around me, wreaking havoc in my life.

As I grew older, it became more clear to me why I detested change so much. I like consistency in my life. Surprises and spontaneity are good, but not if it knocks me off my feet in the process. I'm a planner who likes to prepare for what's coming. With new seasons looming before me, however, there is no way to know when it will happen and where I will end up. 

In August, I moved to California, and I thought that was my "big" change for the next year at least. Now, I have been here almost seven months, and I see more change in the near future. Perhaps it is not as grand as packing my bags and moving across the country. Still I see it, looking right at me, waiting to see if I will jump into the waves. I feel the nervous anticipation and excitement as I wait. I've realized that for the first time, I am glad constant change is here to stay. It means starting a new chapter in life and growing into a better person. My stomach is filled with thousands of tiny butterflies and my heart is starting to beat a tiny bit faster, but I'm ready for that wave to sweep me away. I'm letting go of all my own ideas about what life should be and where I should be going to start a fresh chapter in the life of Nikki.

The Journey Ahead

"How we spend our lives is, of course, how we spend our days." ~ Annie Dillard (American writer)

For months, I have been asking myself, What next? I thought that after trekking across Europe I would have a clear idea of what my next step in life would be. Instead, I found that I had no clue what it was. That scared me. I wrestled with different options, looked for jobs (without much luck), and just decided to try to make it as was until I could find something that worked for me. That was fine until I realized one day that I was just sitting still, not moving forward at all. I could no longer just "float" along in life, waiting for the next big thing to happen. I could make plans all I wanted, but if I never pursued them, it was pointless.

As it turns out, my deciding to become proactive worked in my favor. When one of my cousins suggested I apply at a Christian summer camp in Nebraska that her husband works at, I had my doubts. I mean, go live in another state for the summer? Could I do something like that? I wasn't sure that I could. Yet I was still filled with excitement at the possibility of going. After much consideration, I sent in my application and waited to hear from the program director. 

It didn't take long. I heard back the next day, and we set up a time to have a phone interview. It was a week away, and I was a bundle of nerves, waiting for the next week to go by. Finally, it did, and I had the interview. It went amazingly, and I felt such a peace about the whole thing. 

That was a week ago, and I tried not to let myself think too much about it and get my hopes up. If it were the right thing for me, it would happen. In some ways, this opportunity made me more nervous than even traveling to Europe for seven weeks by myself. It was a nervous excitement, but also a little bit of fear that comes with anything new and uncertain.

Today, I received a message asking if I was still interested in the job because the director would love to have me there. (Enter huge grin and happy dance) Never did I think I would be able to do something like this, and yet here I am, heading to Nebraska in 37 days...because, yes, I did take the job. And after that? Who knows! I only know that I am taking purposeful steps and living my life to the fullest. 

For those interested: The job is a staff position coordinating the snack shack but also being a part of the camp's daily life. The kids range from the ages of entering first grade to entering their senior year, and there are new campers every week. I will be 30 minutes-ish from Omaha and about that far from my cousins too. If you have any questions, please ask! I do have a lot more information. :)

I will miss living here a lot, but in this day and age, technology really does keep us closer.  

Old(er)

Growing up, I remember lying in bed the night before my birthday, unable to sleep from the excitement and anticipation building up on the inside. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to think about boring things that usually made me doze off, but this one night of the year, I could not for the life of me fall asleep. I did not even have that much trouble on Christmas eve compared to the night before my birthday. I just wanted it to be here...so so much.

Somehow, I managed to finally let Mr. Sandman work his magic, and my birthday came. No matter how little sleep I got the night before, this was the one morning of the year that I could bounce out of bed at 6:30 or 7:00 in the morning with no problem. I was ready to enjoy my birthday.

My 4th birthday

As I grew older, I started counting down to my birthday. When I say count down, I do not mean ten days before or three weeks before. I am talking months before. September 1st rolled around and BAM. Halfway mark. Six months and counting. I had to be one of the most annoying people obsessed about her birthday, yet my friends and family accepted my enthusiasm as a part of who I was.

After my birthday treat at school, dinner with my family, checking the mailbox for cards from relatives and opening my presents, I got ready for bed and was filled with a sinking feeling. Today was over. It was over. I had a whole year ahead of me now with no special day belonging to me. The rest of the year just felt so...ordinary.

My 17th birthday

This year, I was feeling a sort of trepidation. I did not want to move forward another year. I had the sinking feeling already, and my birthday had not even happened. 23 just felt old(er). I still wanted to be the four-year-old who got Pretty Pretty Princess and a big girl bike for her birthday, the seventeen-year-old who had the most memorable birthday party ever. But 23? What is special about that? That is halfway between 20 and 25. It's the peak of the mini rollercoaster in my 20s. I just wanted to put the brakes on and stop 22 from leaving me.

Today, I thought about being 23, and all of a sudden, it was cool to me. I could almost picture 23 being this very sophisticated age and making 22 seem very young and carefree. Of course, I wish I could be young and carefree forever, but if I can't, I would love it even more to be sophisticated and grown up. And that is what 23 has come to mean to me. Grown up. An adult. 23 is the first year for me since I was five that will have no form of schooling in it. It is the peak between 20 and 25, but as I see it, I just keep getting more sophisticated from here on out, as my age increases. As Payton, who is five put it, I am going to be a "lady soon when I keep getting older."

Cake my BFF, Kate, made on my 21st birthday

So now, 23 is no longer the big bad age that makes me want to hide under the covers until March 2. It is the "perfect" age; perfect in the sense that I am going to make the most of each day spent in 23, and not one of them will be ordinary. Because I am no ordinary person with a ho-hum life. I aim to make 23 my best year yet, full of adventure and excitement. The bar has been set high by 22 with graduating from college AND going to Europe, but I think 23 will surpass even that.

Hello, 23. :)

Getting Through the Tough Spots

I haven't written on here in over a month, and my last post was about a book review. How sad! Life has been crazy lately and stressful. Whenever I hit these hard times, there is only one thing I want to do (besides cry and ask God to get me past it). I want to immerse myself into the world of F.R.I.E.N.D.S and pretend I have no worries that are bigger than what they are "going through." (Yes, I know they are fictional characters...)

If I'm having a bad day, I just turn on an episode of Friends and forget my own problems as I watch Rachel and Ross' roller coaster relationship and their parenting skills as they sing  "Baby Got Back" to Emma. My problems seem minute compared to Phoebe trying to teach Joey French. Whenever I hear the theme song, I just smile to myself because I really do feel like they are "there for me" when many things are going wrong in my life. Even better than the television show, I know that I have my own Ross, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, Monica, and Chandler friends in my life. Friends who help me through hard times. I have "no need to worry" with friends like mine.

A Friends moment I had to share in parting. :)