Real Talk: Things Are Gonna Get Easier

So - real talk, as my friend would say. There are two things everyone should know about me. I love music, and I love adventure. And yes, in my life, they connect. Music has always been a deep-rooted part of my life. Playing the piano and writing songs were one of my favorite pastimes as a child. My sister and I "led" worship services around our family piano, taking turns leading and singing harmony. My mom played "oldies but goodies" for us, and my love for 50s and 60s rock was formed. We danced around in our handmade poodle skirts to "At the Hop" and "Turn, Turn, Turn" until we could no longer stand. My dad typically had Golden Country playing, and I knew the lyrics to "Hey Good Lookin'" by the time I was six years old. To this day, if you get in his truck, you will hear Merle Haggard, Johnny Cash, or another legend from Willie's Roadhouse singing about a woman, the bottle, or the blues. And if I am being completely honest, you might hear the same if you get in my car.

I've been through some rocky times in my 20s. Ironically enough, some of my heartache and struggle came from times when I was adventurous and stepped out of my comfort zone. When I find myself dealing with hurt, anger, sadness, etc., a song always makes its way into my life. A friend might recommend one, or I might stumble across a song on the radio that expresses exactly what I am feeling. It might even be a song I've known for years. However it happens, the music and lyrics help me work through what I am facing. 

Tonight the song "Ooh Child" by The Five Stairsteps came to mind as I was thinking about my next steps. I have been contemplating life lately and what led me to where I am now. I mean, really contemplating. Thinking about past circumstances, events, and decisions that date back further than just a few years. Honestly, if someone had told me five years ago that I would not be living in California but in St. Louis, and it would be my fourth city in five years, I'd probably laugh. Or cry. In theory, I love adventure. I crave adventure. I wish I didn't have student/car loans so that I could travel all over the world and live in far off places. The reality, however, is that there is still a part of me that hates change and longs for consistency. It's an inner battle that I am constantly fighting- my desire for spontaneity and all things new versus my Type A personality of what my life should be at 28. Adventure always wins out eventually, and I am glad that it does. Saying yes to it does not make the transition easier though. Things don't always fall into place the way I think they should, and sometimes I have to wait longer than I want for something to happen. Even now, as much as I want this new adventure, I'm jobless in a new city, trying to figure out what happens next. It scares me a little. Still, deep down, I know that things will get easier. And brighter. I just have to hold onto that and believe it. Time to make a playlist for this adventure.

Once Upon a Time in New York City

Sigh. How has it already been one week since I embarked on one of the most magical and exciting trips of my life? I still feel as if it were all a dream. A lovely, lovely dream. I am happy to report that first of all, New York City was everything I hoped it would be times a trillion. Secondly, I can say with all confidence that I do not have any regrets regarding my New York skyline tattoo which I had done without having been to the city. Whew! I honestly am not even sure where to begin when I talk about my weekend. So many wonderful things transpired, and I feel myself start to gush when I share even a little bit of the adventures I had.

New Yorkers loved to ask the tourists these three questions:

- Are you a first timer in the city?
- What has been the most surprising thing about the city/people?
- What has been your favorite moment (so far)?

It was my first time in the city. I wasn't overly surprised by much except that some
New Yorkers were actually very nice and helpful. My favorite moment happened on Thursday night, the first night I was in New York City. I should start by giving a little background to this moment. I have watched Jimmy Fallon since his SNL days. I watched him on Late Night and continued to tune in when he took over the Tonight Show. If you ask me to name my favorite sketches, I can do so without hesitation (Hot Tub Lov-ahs, Disneyland Breakfast, Tight Pants, and any Lip Sync Battle ever done). In early 2015, my roommate and I decided to make vision boards for ourselves to set goals for the upcoming year. I started going through old magazines and came across a small picture of Jimmy Fallon dressed up as a bumblebee with his daughter. I decided that if I was going to put NYC and Tiffany's on my vision board, I might as well add Jimmy too.

Imagine the excitement and surprise I felt nearly 1.5 years later when I found myself walking up the grand staircase and into the Peacock Lounge at NBC Studios. As I sat waiting to go into Studio 6B, I kept telling myself what Jimmy always says to the audience- "You're here! You made it! This is it! Welcome, welcome, welcome!" The evening only got better. Meg Ryan was there. John Mulaney and Nick Kroll were there. The Roots were amazing. Being part of The Tonight Show set the bar for an unforgettable time in what is now one of my favorite cities.

Aside from The Tonight Show (because honestly, how does one top The Tonight Show?), other favorite moments included touring NBC Studios and visiting the SNL studio, buying something from Tiffany's (and therefore having my name added to their registry), sitting on the actual Central Perk couch from Friends, touring Soho and Little Italy, having a waiter in Little Italy "Joey Tribbiani" me ("How you doin'?"), and going to one of the few remaining original speakeasies and drinking a Ruby Slipper from a teacup. But honestly, who am I kidding? The entire trip was my favorite part- from the moment I drove towards Manhattan until my plane took off five days later.

One evening I was in the Empire State Building looking out over the city, and I realized I felt a connection to this place. I jokingly call myself a Restless Wanderer because I tend to grow tired of where I am living and places never feel like home. I will say people, such as family and friends, can make a place feel like home, but I want to feel that I belong to the city where I am living. As I watched the city lights, my heart felt like a missing piece was sliding into place. I belonged there.

What an amazing and overwhelming feeling to know that you have found your place in this world! It was as if the restlessness in me had quieted and in its stead came the knowledge that I could thrive in this city and be myself, and that is all I have ever wanted. Until we meet again, New York, and may it be someday soon.

"One belongs to New York instantly. One belongs to it as much in five minutes as in five years." 

- Tom Wolfe

Adventure in the Great Wide Somewhere

As I mentioned in my last post, I recently had a two part revelation. I shared the first part here. The second part of the revelation brings a new chapter in my life. For the past several months, I have struggled with wanting to stay in Kirksville. I wanted to take a step outside of my comfort zone and move forward with my life, but I kept finding reasons that made staying easier. I have a good job, I have a good living arrangement where I get along with my roommate, and I have some of the strongest friendships I’ve ever had in my life. My life looked complete. I didn’t feel that way though. Don’t misunderstand; those things are all good, but I knew that my life was meant to be more than just a good job and a house that I liked. That is when I started to reassess what I wanted out of life and what my reasons were for staying in Kirksville.

Aside from being the place where I grew up, Kirksville has given me three things that make it hard to leave:     

1. A safe place to come back to when needed

2. Solid job experience

3. Long-lasting relationships

My job, while fast-paced and one that keeps me on my toes, has been a blessing. Starting part-time and moving around the building until landing on Assistant to the CEO in less than three years was not something I could have achieved on my own. I have learned a lot by working in the different areas of the building: how a business works, the different aspects of patient care, administrative duties, and that I have the perseverance and ability to accomplish what is set before me. Also, in the words of The Wonder Pets, “What’s gonna work? TEAMWORK!” (I love that show.) I am part of a team. A team that celebrates with you, holds you up when you are barely getting by, and one who supports you. I knew that even if I made one of the hardest decisions to move on somewhere else, I would feel the support and love from my work family. Over half of the long-lasting relationships I mentioned are in that building.

That left number one and number three on my list. Three years ago, which actually feels like another lifetime, I came back broken and drained from California. Kirksville was my safe haven to rebuild the relationship that had been bruised and strained between my family and me, as well as the place that I would recoup emotionally, mentally, and spiritually before moving to the next place. I had no idea where I wanted to go, but I did not plan to stay in Kirksville forever. What I didn’t realize then nor did I later want to accept is that in order to move forward, I had to sort through some things in my heart and mind, revisiting memories that I did not want to remember. Instead, I shut out 16 years of my life, so to speak, and sealed off that part of me. In doing that, I wasn’t free of the brokenness I felt, the pain, the frustration and hurt. That only led to the fear that I would fail again, which is how I saw California. A big fat failure. I was afraid to try something new in case it didn’t work out the way I wanted.

It wasn’t until earlier this year that I saw the truth. I did not fail in California. No, my time there did not end the way I would have liked or chosen for myself. That didn't mean I failed though. In reality, I grew up- a lot- and I became my own person for the first time in my life. I thought for myself. I made a decision that was best for me. We aren’t perfect. I know that I’m not. I accept that. I accept that I make mistakes, but leaving California was not one of them. Moving there was not a mistake either. I needed to go there, for a reason that I don’t quite always understand, except that my relationship with my family depended on it. Since coming back to Kirksville, my family and I are closer than ever before. My sister and brother are my best friends. My niece and soon-to-be born niece are my heart. Most importantly, I understand my parents and what they’ve been through in life and have greater respect for them than I did 9 years ago. I was no longer afraid to move because of my fear of failure.

Next came my friendships. I started mentioning that I was thinking about moving, and my friends were sad. I was too. I had worked so hard to cultivate my relationships, and I couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing them on a regular basis. I need my friends, and I like to think they need me too. For some reason, the thought of leaving my friends was the worst part. It kept me in Kirksville much longer than I wanted to be in Kirksville. I kept telling myself that I had to stay because my friendships alone were enough. Don’t get me wrong. I have pretty spectacular friends, and even when I make new friends in the future, they won’t replace what I already have. The problem was that I was using my friendships in Kirksville as another excuse not to leave because making new friends can be hard. I wanted to keep the same friends, and I wanted Kirksville to work out, but I was feeling miserable.

One day, a friend of mine gave me some news about her life, and I had my second revelation. All of my friends’ lives were moving forward. They were sincerely happy with their lives, and I was not happy with mine. My life was not moving in the direction I wanted it to go, and as long as I stayed in Kirksville, it would continue to stay put. I saw my friends paddling by me in the river called life, and I was sitting alone in a canoe, going in circles. I had to make another tough decision. What was best for me? Where am I supposed to be? As much as I wanted to stay with my friends, things were changing. I couldn’t put my life on hold any longer.

Of course, leave it to my favorite Disney movie to inspire me. I’ve said it before, but Belle understands my heart when she sings,

“I want much more than this provincial life

music builds

I want adventure in the great wide somewhere

I want it more than I can tell”

I’m ready for my next adventure. As I write this, I am driving to Fort Worth, Texas, where my new adventure awaits. While this trip is just to visit, the next time I make the drive, it will be to start fresh and see what happens. I don’t have all of my ducks in a row, but for the first time that doesn’t matter. I’m excited about life again and the possibilities waiting for me.

The Sun is Shining

Here is my monthly update, as it seems that I can only find the time and energy to write once a month. Hopefully, I can kick it up a notch, but I make no promises!

The infection I had turned out to be a cyst of some sort, and I had to have an inCISION and drainage (those are the only details I am sharing on that) and was prescribed ten more days of antibiotics on top of the original two weeks, equaling 3.5 weeks of antibiotics. Of course, it takes a toll on your body while on antibiotics- at least mine does, and let's just say I've had other complications during those 3.5 weeks. The antibiotic worked though and all that remains is a tiny red scar from the incision.

I've been job searching for nearly four weeks, and while I have applied at several different places, there have not been any call backs. Until today, that is. I was teaching Audrey this morning when my phone rang. It was Barnes and Noble, one of the first places I applied. If you know me at all, you know this is a dream job for me. I absolutely love literature and reading. English major for a reason, and no, it was not because I loved writing papers. The interview is set for next Tuesday. It is a group interview which makes me think they are hiring for seasonal help and need several people.

Not only did I receive that call today, but I was also contacted to set up an interview for a private tutoring position with Sullivan Learning Systems, a tutoring company located here in Fresno. That interview is set for tomorrow morning. If all goes well, I may be able to take on both jobs as they are both part time positions.

Flowers picked for me by Aidan and Olivia. There are more in the box!

Life is good here in California, even though I've been nervous the past few weeks about finding a job and starting my life. I know God has it figured out and as Titus, who is ten years old says, "He has a plan for me." :)

This is an adventure in the making, and I will keep my little blog world (my 17 followers and few visitors) updated as much as possible. I think it is going to be a fun ride!

Things I Could Never Do Before

Here I am, sitting in a new house, in a new city, in a new state. I am thousands of miles away from home. I have all of the normal feelings-excitement, anticipation, and a touch of nerves. I can hardly believe I am starting a new chapter in life. It's so refreshing. And scary.


I thought I would move to California and take on Fresno like a madwoman. I imagined myself being a champion of sorts, finding a job in a week, seeing what the city has to offer, and jumping into California life right away. What I realized instead was that I was already doing things that make me a champion, just by living life. Switching states and changing my residency isn't the only thing that makes me victorious.


I woke up this weekend with an ear infection, and it grew progressively worse until I had to call a doctor to prescribe an antibiotic. When I picked it up from the pharmacy, I saw the pill was the size of the state I now live in. I have a horrible gag reflex and was sure I would throw it up/gag it up/ or finally get it down after it was half-disintegrated. I stared at the pill, sitting in the palm of my hand, as my stomach cringed at the thought of getting it down. Finally, mustering up enough courage to take the pill, I shoved it in my mouth and took a long swig of water. The pill washed right down, and I was so surprised, I stopped mid-drink and just stared at myself in the mirror before remembering to drink more water. To most people, that story doesn't mean much. To me, however, that story is everything. I couldn't take large pills before. I would try several times before giving up and staying sick or finding an alternate route. But now I can. And I did. Champion, right there.

Pismo Beach...I just had to add it! :)

There are other things that I find myself doing, things I never thought I would see myself do. Everyone must think that I could move halfway across the country easy-peasy, but honestly? That was one of the hardest things I've done so far in my life. But I did it. So that makes me victorious. It's not always big though, like the pill. I started a bank account today in a new city. Thursday, I am getting my California drivers' license. We all have accomplishments or milestones that make us feel like champions. They seem like nothing to those around us, but we know that they are a sign of victory. Embrace those moments and remember them later when you face thing you thought you couldn't do before.

The Adventures Just Keep Coming

It is pretty obvious that camp has stolen away most of my time, leaving me unable to update much this summer. :) Even the weekends have been busy or I've been too tired to even think about writing here. Sorry for that!

Camp is nearing an end, and I can't believe it. I feel like I just pulled up to Camp Rivercrest, nervous and anxious to meet new people and start something new. And now, here I am, nearly two months later, still alive (there were a few moments when I didn't think I'd quite make it) and kicking. :) I've learned a lot and been stretched in many ways, and while it isn't always fun, I'm glad I grew up this summer.

So what's the next adventure then? That has been the million dollar question in my life since returning from Europe last November. I thought I would know as soon as my plane hit the landing where I would go next and what I would do. However, God had a plan of His own, and now looking back at the past nine months, I know it was better than anything I could create.


I am moving to California! I leave August 26th. I am not sure how long I will be there yet, but I am ready for anything. :)

I guess that's all I have to say for now...feel free to ask questions. ;)