Real Talk: Things Are Gonna Get Easier

So - real talk, as my friend would say. There are two things everyone should know about me. I love music, and I love adventure. And yes, in my life, they connect. Music has always been a deep-rooted part of my life. Playing the piano and writing songs were one of my favorite pastimes as a child. My sister and I "led" worship services around our family piano, taking turns leading and singing harmony. My mom played "oldies but goodies" for us, and my love for 50s and 60s rock was formed. We danced around in our handmade poodle skirts to "At the Hop" and "Turn, Turn, Turn" until we could no longer stand. My dad typically had Golden Country playing, and I knew the lyrics to "Hey Good Lookin'" by the time I was six years old. To this day, if you get in his truck, you will hear Merle Haggard, Johnny Cash, or another legend from Willie's Roadhouse singing about a woman, the bottle, or the blues. And if I am being completely honest, you might hear the same if you get in my car.

I've been through some rocky times in my 20s. Ironically enough, some of my heartache and struggle came from times when I was adventurous and stepped out of my comfort zone. When I find myself dealing with hurt, anger, sadness, etc., a song always makes its way into my life. A friend might recommend one, or I might stumble across a song on the radio that expresses exactly what I am feeling. It might even be a song I've known for years. However it happens, the music and lyrics help me work through what I am facing. 

Tonight the song "Ooh Child" by The Five Stairsteps came to mind as I was thinking about my next steps. I have been contemplating life lately and what led me to where I am now. I mean, really contemplating. Thinking about past circumstances, events, and decisions that date back further than just a few years. Honestly, if someone had told me five years ago that I would not be living in California but in St. Louis, and it would be my fourth city in five years, I'd probably laugh. Or cry. In theory, I love adventure. I crave adventure. I wish I didn't have student/car loans so that I could travel all over the world and live in far off places. The reality, however, is that there is still a part of me that hates change and longs for consistency. It's an inner battle that I am constantly fighting- my desire for spontaneity and all things new versus my Type A personality of what my life should be at 28. Adventure always wins out eventually, and I am glad that it does. Saying yes to it does not make the transition easier though. Things don't always fall into place the way I think they should, and sometimes I have to wait longer than I want for something to happen. Even now, as much as I want this new adventure, I'm jobless in a new city, trying to figure out what happens next. It scares me a little. Still, deep down, I know that things will get easier. And brighter. I just have to hold onto that and believe it. Time to make a playlist for this adventure.

Once Upon a Time in New York City

Sigh. How has it already been one week since I embarked on one of the most magical and exciting trips of my life? I still feel as if it were all a dream. A lovely, lovely dream. I am happy to report that first of all, New York City was everything I hoped it would be times a trillion. Secondly, I can say with all confidence that I do not have any regrets regarding my New York skyline tattoo which I had done without having been to the city. Whew! I honestly am not even sure where to begin when I talk about my weekend. So many wonderful things transpired, and I feel myself start to gush when I share even a little bit of the adventures I had.

New Yorkers loved to ask the tourists these three questions:

- Are you a first timer in the city?
- What has been the most surprising thing about the city/people?
- What has been your favorite moment (so far)?

It was my first time in the city. I wasn't overly surprised by much except that some
New Yorkers were actually very nice and helpful. My favorite moment happened on Thursday night, the first night I was in New York City. I should start by giving a little background to this moment. I have watched Jimmy Fallon since his SNL days. I watched him on Late Night and continued to tune in when he took over the Tonight Show. If you ask me to name my favorite sketches, I can do so without hesitation (Hot Tub Lov-ahs, Disneyland Breakfast, Tight Pants, and any Lip Sync Battle ever done). In early 2015, my roommate and I decided to make vision boards for ourselves to set goals for the upcoming year. I started going through old magazines and came across a small picture of Jimmy Fallon dressed up as a bumblebee with his daughter. I decided that if I was going to put NYC and Tiffany's on my vision board, I might as well add Jimmy too.

Imagine the excitement and surprise I felt nearly 1.5 years later when I found myself walking up the grand staircase and into the Peacock Lounge at NBC Studios. As I sat waiting to go into Studio 6B, I kept telling myself what Jimmy always says to the audience- "You're here! You made it! This is it! Welcome, welcome, welcome!" The evening only got better. Meg Ryan was there. John Mulaney and Nick Kroll were there. The Roots were amazing. Being part of The Tonight Show set the bar for an unforgettable time in what is now one of my favorite cities.

Aside from The Tonight Show (because honestly, how does one top The Tonight Show?), other favorite moments included touring NBC Studios and visiting the SNL studio, buying something from Tiffany's (and therefore having my name added to their registry), sitting on the actual Central Perk couch from Friends, touring Soho and Little Italy, having a waiter in Little Italy "Joey Tribbiani" me ("How you doin'?"), and going to one of the few remaining original speakeasies and drinking a Ruby Slipper from a teacup. But honestly, who am I kidding? The entire trip was my favorite part- from the moment I drove towards Manhattan until my plane took off five days later.

One evening I was in the Empire State Building looking out over the city, and I realized I felt a connection to this place. I jokingly call myself a Restless Wanderer because I tend to grow tired of where I am living and places never feel like home. I will say people, such as family and friends, can make a place feel like home, but I want to feel that I belong to the city where I am living. As I watched the city lights, my heart felt like a missing piece was sliding into place. I belonged there.

What an amazing and overwhelming feeling to know that you have found your place in this world! It was as if the restlessness in me had quieted and in its stead came the knowledge that I could thrive in this city and be myself, and that is all I have ever wanted. Until we meet again, New York, and may it be someday soon.

"One belongs to New York instantly. One belongs to it as much in five minutes as in five years." 

- Tom Wolfe

The Day I Turned 28

Lately, the thought of turning 28 has, quite frankly, left me feeling freaked out and in a state of panic. I asked myself why 28 was different than, say, 27. I'm already in my late twenties, creeping towards my thirties. Why the sudden racing heart and difficulty breathing? Shouldn't I be more concerned about what comes after 28 and savor the feeling of being "not quite 30" yet? 

One would think so, but my mind doesn't work that way. I'm more of a Rachel Green when it comes to life plans and timelines. Owning a house, marriage, kids, traveling, etc. Exhibit A:

I was the child who had a notebook filled with wedding ideas (wedding party, colors, theme, songs, etc.), baby names, and house designs. (I blame the game "MASH" for giving me high expectations- Teacher turned stay at home mom living in a mansion married to Leonardo DiCaprio with 6 kids and a Porsche.) I have a vision board, and I am always adding to it. Exhibit B:

The age 28 never seemed like a big deal or crossed my mind before. I grew up assuming my life goals would be reached between the ages of 22 and 25. 28 was so far down the line, and I just knew my plans would take place way before I ever got to that age. With that mindset, the racing heart and panic sessions I've subjected myself to during the past six months make sense. 

I went to sleep last night, expecting to wake up sad and old today. Instead, I woke up to a feeling of peace and acceptance. I have new perspective on life. Yes, nearly all of my friends own homes, are married, and/or have children. I am 28 years old, and I just started a new chapter in my life...again. That's okay though. Stories have to move forward. Chapters start and end. The year of 28 is a new chapter for me. No planning out my life. Take each day as it comes and focus on the now. That is my only plan. Live in the moment because soon enough, I will be 76 years old, reminiscing about my twenties and the good ol' days.

To My Forever Friends

Over the last week, I have been contemplating the friendships I've maintained/made while living in Kirksville the past three years. As an adult, I realize that I don't have to be friends with everyone (something we are taught as a child and that I have some thoughts regarding- another post, another day). Each friendship I've developed or held onto is my choice and those friends have made me a better person since coming home to Kirksville three years ago, broken and not very trusting. I have known some of my friends for ten years, while others have slipped into my life during the last three years. Regardless, each friend knows me and, as I said, made me a better Nikki- the person I was afraid to be. 

I had a hard time grasping the fact that I was actually leaving these people that I had so carefully chosen to keep in my life, and as one friend pointed out to me, I felt like Rachel Green when she had to tell her friends goodbye and excluded Ross. Of course, Rachel and Ross had a different kind of history than my friends and I, but the sentiment is the same. Rachel says this, and it has been looping in my head: Because it is too damn hard, Ross! I cannot even begin to explain to you how much I am going to miss you! When I think about not seeing you everyday, it makes me not want to go! 

She goes on to tell him that she didn't say goodbye because he means more to her, but I couldn't leave Kirksville without telling my friends I loved them and giving one more hug for now. The goodbyes are hard, and I may have seemed cool as a cucumber and kept myself together as I hugged each of you and promised to visit (which I will do). Inside, however, my heart was breaking, and I was thinking, It is too damn hard! 

I wanted to tell my friends in a way that I know best, my writing, that this move has been one of the hardest decisions of my life. Not a day has gone by that I haven't seen some of you, thought about you, or made plans with you. I may make friends when I move, but it will be different than the friends I found in Kirksville. You have pushed me to be brave again and believed in me, like getting my first (and second and third) tattoo, singing a cappella karaoke when they didn't have the track we wanted and climbing a waterfall and falling backwards into the little pool of water. Even more, you've taught me to believe in myself. I think you all helped "Nikki get her groove back." 😊 

As I drove out of Kirksville this morning, I cried. Not for the small town that was my home for so long but for the friends that I was leaving there. You are amazing, my forever friends, and I love you all to the moon and back. As Anne Shirley once said,  

"Kindred spirits are not so scarce as I used to think. It's splendid to find out there are so many of them in the world."

I was blessed to find all of you in one place. 

Arreviderci and au revoir (until we meet again),

Nikki

Adventure in the Great Wide Somewhere

As I mentioned in my last post, I recently had a two part revelation. I shared the first part here. The second part of the revelation brings a new chapter in my life. For the past several months, I have struggled with wanting to stay in Kirksville. I wanted to take a step outside of my comfort zone and move forward with my life, but I kept finding reasons that made staying easier. I have a good job, I have a good living arrangement where I get along with my roommate, and I have some of the strongest friendships I’ve ever had in my life. My life looked complete. I didn’t feel that way though. Don’t misunderstand; those things are all good, but I knew that my life was meant to be more than just a good job and a house that I liked. That is when I started to reassess what I wanted out of life and what my reasons were for staying in Kirksville.

Aside from being the place where I grew up, Kirksville has given me three things that make it hard to leave:     

1. A safe place to come back to when needed

2. Solid job experience

3. Long-lasting relationships

My job, while fast-paced and one that keeps me on my toes, has been a blessing. Starting part-time and moving around the building until landing on Assistant to the CEO in less than three years was not something I could have achieved on my own. I have learned a lot by working in the different areas of the building: how a business works, the different aspects of patient care, administrative duties, and that I have the perseverance and ability to accomplish what is set before me. Also, in the words of The Wonder Pets, “What’s gonna work? TEAMWORK!” (I love that show.) I am part of a team. A team that celebrates with you, holds you up when you are barely getting by, and one who supports you. I knew that even if I made one of the hardest decisions to move on somewhere else, I would feel the support and love from my work family. Over half of the long-lasting relationships I mentioned are in that building.

That left number one and number three on my list. Three years ago, which actually feels like another lifetime, I came back broken and drained from California. Kirksville was my safe haven to rebuild the relationship that had been bruised and strained between my family and me, as well as the place that I would recoup emotionally, mentally, and spiritually before moving to the next place. I had no idea where I wanted to go, but I did not plan to stay in Kirksville forever. What I didn’t realize then nor did I later want to accept is that in order to move forward, I had to sort through some things in my heart and mind, revisiting memories that I did not want to remember. Instead, I shut out 16 years of my life, so to speak, and sealed off that part of me. In doing that, I wasn’t free of the brokenness I felt, the pain, the frustration and hurt. That only led to the fear that I would fail again, which is how I saw California. A big fat failure. I was afraid to try something new in case it didn’t work out the way I wanted.

It wasn’t until earlier this year that I saw the truth. I did not fail in California. No, my time there did not end the way I would have liked or chosen for myself. That didn't mean I failed though. In reality, I grew up- a lot- and I became my own person for the first time in my life. I thought for myself. I made a decision that was best for me. We aren’t perfect. I know that I’m not. I accept that. I accept that I make mistakes, but leaving California was not one of them. Moving there was not a mistake either. I needed to go there, for a reason that I don’t quite always understand, except that my relationship with my family depended on it. Since coming back to Kirksville, my family and I are closer than ever before. My sister and brother are my best friends. My niece and soon-to-be born niece are my heart. Most importantly, I understand my parents and what they’ve been through in life and have greater respect for them than I did 9 years ago. I was no longer afraid to move because of my fear of failure.

Next came my friendships. I started mentioning that I was thinking about moving, and my friends were sad. I was too. I had worked so hard to cultivate my relationships, and I couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing them on a regular basis. I need my friends, and I like to think they need me too. For some reason, the thought of leaving my friends was the worst part. It kept me in Kirksville much longer than I wanted to be in Kirksville. I kept telling myself that I had to stay because my friendships alone were enough. Don’t get me wrong. I have pretty spectacular friends, and even when I make new friends in the future, they won’t replace what I already have. The problem was that I was using my friendships in Kirksville as another excuse not to leave because making new friends can be hard. I wanted to keep the same friends, and I wanted Kirksville to work out, but I was feeling miserable.

One day, a friend of mine gave me some news about her life, and I had my second revelation. All of my friends’ lives were moving forward. They were sincerely happy with their lives, and I was not happy with mine. My life was not moving in the direction I wanted it to go, and as long as I stayed in Kirksville, it would continue to stay put. I saw my friends paddling by me in the river called life, and I was sitting alone in a canoe, going in circles. I had to make another tough decision. What was best for me? Where am I supposed to be? As much as I wanted to stay with my friends, things were changing. I couldn’t put my life on hold any longer.

Of course, leave it to my favorite Disney movie to inspire me. I’ve said it before, but Belle understands my heart when she sings,

“I want much more than this provincial life

music builds

I want adventure in the great wide somewhere

I want it more than I can tell”

I’m ready for my next adventure. As I write this, I am driving to Fort Worth, Texas, where my new adventure awaits. While this trip is just to visit, the next time I make the drive, it will be to start fresh and see what happens. I don’t have all of my ducks in a row, but for the first time that doesn’t matter. I’m excited about life again and the possibilities waiting for me.

To All the People Pleasers Out There

"We must not confuse the command to love with the disease to please." - Lisa Terkeurst

I've had a two-part revelation, and it is one that I am still trying to fully grasp and make sense of in my own life. The first part comes down to two words: People Pleaser.

I've been a people pleaser for nearly twenty years. It was how I grew up. I've learned as an adult that it comes from the need to feel accepted while at the same time, proving myself to others. What I tend to be left with are feelings of anxiety that I am not nor will I ever be good enough...for my friends, my job, even my family at times. Once let in, anxiety wraps itself around your mind, snakes down through your heart and settles in the pit of your stomach. I should know. I've lived with anxiety for as long as I can remember. It has become such a common feeling that I don't know what it is like not to feel anxiety anymore.

I had never labeled myself as a people pleaser. It actually came about in the form of an innocent bulletin board decoration when I was thirteen years old. Each of my classmates and I were compared to an object that fit our personality, according to a few of our classmates who were in charge of putting it together. Someone was a stapler, I remember. I went up to the board and looked for my name. Another student saw it first and exclaimed that it was a perfect description. It must be something awesome!  I thought as I found my name. There it was- Little Debbie snack cake "because she pleases everyone." Someone else read it and was quick to say that it was true because I was such a people pleaser. At the time, I embraced that label and didn't think twice that maybe being a people pleaser wasn't necessarily a good thing.

Years later, in college, I was sorting through old folders and tubs of school papers, artwork, and notebooks from my childhood. Stuck in my junior high art folder was the small slip of paper that had been stapled to the bulletin board all those years ago. When I read it then, my heart sank to my stomach, and I felt disappointed. I had forgotten about that label, but I saw how it had affected me through the years. I crumpled up the paper and threw it in the trash with old math papers and science notes. Unfortunately, we don't always take those moments to heart. We continue to live with whatever labels we let the world give us. At least that is what happened in my case. More years of trying to please others followed until one day, I found myself in a place where it was not enough. The aftermath of that situation left me broken, and when I realized all my years of people pleasing had been in vain, anxiety drew itself around my heart and mind stronger than before.

In the name of being vulnerable, three years later, I still fight being a people pleaser. It isn't that I am
not sincere in my efforts; I work hard and try to be the best at what I do in all areas of my life- employee, friend, sister, and daughter. The problem is that it is not always enough and never will be. I am accepted by those around me, but I don't see it because I can't accept myself for who I am. I don't have to prove anything to the people in my life, but still I try. And it's never good enough. I mess up. I fail at tasks, at being a good sister or daughter. Then I let the anxiety taunt me and wreak havoc inside. It is time to see that being a people pleaser really is a disease. I have to love the people in my life enough to trust them and not compare them to past relationships. I have to take control of the anxiety that has set up residence inside of me and get rid of it. Just as importantly, I have to learn to know and accept who I am, then love and embrace that person.

Our Hearts Are Very, Very Old Friends

Camping Trip with our Moms' family

In Kindergarten, my cousin Amber and I were best friends. We tricked substitute teachers into letting us put our sleeping mats next to each other at nap, I helped her with spelling words, and she rewrote my answers because she had better handwriting. We even shared a boyfriend. (Remember, this was Kindergarten.) We were inseparable. One day, we had one of our first fights (aside from the normal "bickering", as my grandma called it). She came up to me at my desk, and while we were talking, I sat there opening and closing my scissors (the Fiskars real blade scissors), facing them out towards her. What I didn't realize was that I was actually cutting a hole in her shirt. I remember the panic and guilt that consumed me when I realized what had happened. The fact that she was going to not only tell the teacher, but my Aunt Donna and Mom, made me so scared. It was an accident, but I was at fault, so there really was no way to get out of it. We ended up fighting, Amber thinking I did it on purpose and my response being that I didn't but she shouldn't have been standing so close to me. Our other friends couldn't see how I didn't realize what I was doing. It ended in tears on both sides, and we didn't talk for the rest of the day, even when she came to my house after school. 

At my niece's 1st birthday party 

That was my first friendship "breakup", so to speak. I thought we were never going to be friends again. What I didn't know then is that tomorrow was a new day. My aunt fixed the shirt, Mom had me apologize, and Amber and I were friends again. This would be the first of a few "breakups" between us. Those breakups didn't last though. We are now closer than we were as children and I know that I can tell her anything and she will be there for me, and I am there for her.

Walking through life, we come across many types of friendships. Some friendships are formed as children or are made while navigating the teenage years. Others are based on location, location, location. Where you work at the time, the town you live in, or the college you attend. Even relatives can easily blend between family member and friend. I've come to find that the phrase "Best Friends Forever", used so openly and freely, is not always the case. People move on or away, lives drift in different directions, and communication becomes sparse if anything at all. There's also the breakups when our friendships don't survive but instead die.

Sometimes, however, we are fortuitous enough to find that friend who connects with your soul, and it doesn't matter if you live in the same town or see each other on a regular basis. These are kindred spirits, the companions that will walk life out with you, near or far. I am privileged to have found that in my friend, Serenity. I can pinpoint in my mind when our lives connected and not just over a love for Anne Shirley or the television show Friends. She is one of few in my life that I can truly say has proven to be a lasting friendship, a true soul connection. Our conversation didn't stop when I moved 2000 miles across the country or when she was going through treatment for cancer. Serenity once told me, "Our conversation is what happens when two friends are friends no matter what, unconditionally, because they love each other." That is a kindred soul.

Oscar Noms: Double Movie Date

We are lucky to be in the same town now, meeting weekly for lunches and adding in other fun adventures when possible. I know that when the time comes, and we aren't in the same town again, that won't matter. Our friendship isn't kept alive by eating lunch together or going to the movies. Don't get me wrong. I love those highlights and will miss them greatly, but I know we won't have a "breakup" or drift apart because we aren't in the same town anymore. As Hafiz wrote, "Your heart and my heart are very, very old friends." 

Happy birthday to you, Serenity. Thank you for being my soul connection and the best friend a girl could ask for. 

I've My Own Sword, Thank You

"There is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Winnie The Pooh

Before the Austenian type heroes captured my attention and the leading men of Golden Hollywood made me swoon with their declarations of undying devotion and love through song, I sat in my living room or the theater, buying what Disney was selling 100%. 

1. Good will always triumph over evil in the end.
2. Every girl has a prince/champion who will fight the world and go to the ends of the earth to be with her.
3. Singing is essential to life.

Those 90 minutes had me fixed to the television, oblivious to all else around me. I forgot that Robin Hood was actually a fox. He had an accent that even my six year old self swooned over. I felt chills when Maleficent was in dragon form trying to kill Prince Phillip, and exclaimed, "Now you shall deal with me, O prince! And all the powers in hell!" When Beast died for that brief moment, my tears welled up and spilled over, just like Belle's. It was our tears together that made him return to human form. You can imagine that I cried when Mufasa was trampled. I was in the grotto when Ariel tells King Triton, "Daddy, I love him!" I loved him too. 

We all want the story where evil is vanquished by good. The princess gets her man. I loved that there were songs/scores for every single moment. What I've learned, however, is that while good really does win out over evil eventually and singing does make life better, sometimes the girl doesn't have a champion fighting the world off for her. She has to pick up the sword, wield her own shield and fight her own battles. You can easily feel down about this- and by that I mean I can feel down and get frustrated that I'm out here in the world fighting my own battles. I've realized something though, and it has helped a great deal.

Perspective. These girls who are mooning over their soulmates and ending up with them are SIXTEEN years old. EIGHTEEN years old. Maybe one or two have made it into their twenties. In my teens, I was not pining away for my one true love. I was trying to not be awkward and failing miserably. If you want to compare me to a Disney heroine- try Mia from Princess Diaries. Seriously. Before the makeover. That's how I felt. (Disclaimer: I am not saying you can't meet the love of your life in your teens. My best friend and my sister both did that.) More perspective. These fairy tales stories are just that. Fairy tales. And from another era completely. Girls were married by 16 if not sooner. 

I spent years wondering when I could start my life. I wanted to know when my champion fighter of a prince would waltz into my life, sweep me off my feet, and take over for awhile. That's when I realized that my life had started. Maybe not the part that I expected to start, but life was happening all around me and I was missing it. I was too caught up in the whens and what ifs to notice my life was in full swing. Most importantly, I was not seeing that I was okay. I didn't need someone else taking on the world on my behalf. I had developed a trait that I had never thought I wanted or needed. Independence. It was the same independence that had led me to travel across Europe, mostly alone. It had carried me when I took that summer camp job and again when I moved halfway across the country and back. All the opposition, difficulties, and pain that came with these things was not championed by some prince. I stared it all in the face, and I was the one who found the inner strength to overcome.

Do I still love Disney movies? Of course, I do. If I have children, will they be allowed to watch Disney movies? Absolutely. There are lessons that can be learned from Disney. (Besides, the movies are just fun to watch!) I just never want to forget that while it might be nice to have someone face the world for me and take on a few dragons, I am not incapable of facing my own battles or finding the inner strength to fight.

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face . . . You must do the thing you think you cannot do” – Eleanor Roosevelt

Why I Won't Define Myself as Single

It seems like my newsfeed is always full of links to an article or blog post that either a) berates singles for not understanding married couples or b) explains how to deal with people who don't understand the single person's plight and triumphs in living up the single life. I typically ignore these posts, partly because the posts are lengthy (i.e. 25 reasons being single is awesome), but mostly because reading them doesn't make me feel better one way or the other, and it also doesn't change which box I check when doing my taxes. I'm single. Some days it's hard; most days it's easy. Reading an article that analyzes the mid-twenty something and why she's single, why she should be lucky she's single, etc should not influence my decision to accept where I am in life.

I've recently started shifting my thoughts and attitude in regards to being single. There came a point when I had been to enough weddings and later baby showers for friends and family that I could either spiral into a deep depression and feel miserable or I could learn to accept that I'm actually okay and being "just" me is not the end of the world. I had to give myself a pep talk, and occasionally, I still do. It is something like this (looks at self in nearest available mirror): 

"If you aren't happy about your situation, do something about it. Find your happiness. Don't make "woe is me" comments and wallow. Take in the world around you and see what it has to offer. I cannot guarantee you will be in a relationship someday, but I can tell you that these moments right now will never happen again. Embrace life- every minute, every second- and find happiness in the small things. Travel. Write a book. Make new friends. Look for opportunities to flourish and grow as you- just you. And regardless if this brings you the love of your life or not, don't despise this moment in time. Don't expedite your life and miss the now."

I also like to remember this quote from Audrey Hepburn, full of grace and wisdom, humility and compassion. She said, "Nothing is impossible! The word itself says, 'I'm possible!'"  When I remember that, facing the world as "me" doesn't seem so scary. It is quite possible to enjoy life independently and not constantly wonder if the next person who walks into the room will be my future boyfriend. 

If I find myself quickly scrolling past the pictures of couples or articles about why I'm single and my friends are not, I don't feel discouraged. Instead, I feel hopeful and excited. I don't need another person to define who I am. I also don't need to wait to start living until I am in a meaningful relationship. As Dr. Seuss said, "Because when you stop and look around, this life is pretty amazing."

Turning Failure Into Something More

“The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.” - Maya Angelou

Had I heard this quote two years ago, I would have cross stitched it on a pillow. I’m not going to lie. If you had asked me then if I ever wanted to leave home again, I may have said yes, but on the inside, I knew that I could not face the world. I had tried that thing called “independence” and “leaving the nest” only to end up trampled and broken. I put on a brave act and talked of my big plans to move to the next city after a short respite at my parents’ house. Still, deep down I knew that I was just trying to save face. As Phoebe said, "And I don’t want to lose face! That’s a very serious thing in my culture!”

As appealing as striking out on my own again sounded at times, I held a secret fear that I tried to keep at arm’s length and not examine too much. There were times that the fear would come to the surface through the need to prove myself to others, salvage my remaining dignity, or pretend I didn’t care when I actually cared too much.

I was afraid I would fail...again.

“And I misspelled in front of the entire school the word ‘failure.’” - Dwight Schrute

Failure. It’s only a word, but it settles like a brick in your stomach and puts an ache in your heart. It's the “lack of success” and is associated with words such as “defeat” and “nonfulfillment.“

This past February, I had one of those hard-to-admit-to-myself moments where I realized that I felt like a failure. No one wants to admit to anyone, including themselves, that they feel like a failure. I realized that while I had been attempting to put my life back together, I did not feel successful for various reasons. Something was holding me back.

“One of the most courageous decisions you’ll ever make is letting go of what is hurting your heart and soul.” - Brigitte Nicole

The past. It was right there, ever present in my life. It's easy to know in your head not to let the past define your life, but stressful/traumatic situations from the past have a way of latching onto someone in secret ways that aren't always visible at first. I had used that fear of failing to stubbornly persevere through many situations only to end up flat on my face anyways. I was letting my fear keep me from moving forward in life. Sitting at my parents' house seemed safer than letting the world trample my heart again. 

"It's funny how some distance//Makes everything seem small//And the fears that once controlled me//Can't get to me at all"

I had just seen Frozen. Like nearly the rest of the world, I was immediately in love with "Let it Go." The lyrics hit my heart in such a way, and I could not help but feel goosebumps on my arm when I heard the above mentioned part. That was it. Let it go. Let go of all the fears and frustrations. The pain and even the indifference I felt towards my past. I had felt a fear of failing my entire life and had never stood up to it. Not anymore. As Idina Menzel belted out:

//I’m never going back//The past is in the past//

The past is in the past. 

“Failure is only the opportunity to begin again. Only this time more wisely.” - Henry Ford

So here I am, seizing an opportunity and starting a new chapter in my life. It's a small step, moving out on my own again. I'm not moving to another city or state. I'm not changing jobs. It may seem like nothing to most people, but for me it is taking a step forward, looking to the future. I will fail at many things in this life, but I won't let that define who I am or what I can do. 

Hey Girl. Feel Good About Today.

If you had told me twelve years ago that the actor who played Alan in Remember the Titans would end up starring in the dreams of women all over the world, I might have laughed a little at the thought. Although at twelve years old, I thought Ryan Gosling was cute, it was more in a goofy sort of way. (Think cruel and unusual punishment!) Somewhere in-between watching Ryan dance to "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" and seeing him wear those suits in Crazy Stupid Love, I melted away with the rest of the "I Heart Ryan Gosling Club."

About a year ago, I was searching for something on google, and I came across a teacher's blog. She had posted all of these "Hey Girl" memes of Ryan Gosling. I have to admit that I had never seen one of those before. I started cracking up reading the funny but ridiculous things Ryan was "saying." If I was having an "off" day, I would google those memes to cheer myself up. Apparently, there is a "Hey Girl" meme for everyone. Feminists, teachers, artists, and even Christians. That last category is truly outrageous (and does not just feature Ryan Gosling)!

Since then, I will sometimes see a statement and automatically attach "Hey Girl" to it. For example, last week I was given a piece of Dove chocolate. The Dove "promise" said, "Feel good about today." But I read, "Hey Girl. Feel good about today" as if Ryan were encouraging me. Silly? Perhaps. I don't mind though. Sometimes, you just need the affirmation.

After reading that Dove promise, if I am stressed or having a less than perfect day, I will think to myself (or look in the front of my planner where I attached that Dove wrapper), "Hey Girl, Feel good about today." 

Finding the Happy in Disappointment

Finding the happy in disappointment. That doesn't sound like a fun activity. It seems more like a task if anything. Most people, including myself, do not wish to focus on something that has brought disappointment to our lives. I, for one, would rather ignore it and try to move past whatever it was that disappointed me. What I am finding instead is that I can really only do just that - try - without ever really getting anywhere.

If I don't ignore it, then I easily dwell on my disappointment, the things I was hopeful of, expected out of life, only to be let down. Dwelling on it pulls on emotion and a vicious cycle ensues, filled with anger, hurt, justification, sadness, and overall pain. If this is my only other option besides ignoring it, then I would rather never look at the disappointment again.

Recently, I was dealt a series of disappointments in my own life. I immediately vacillated between my two usual options of ignoring it or dwelling on it. After doing a little of both and still feeling no satisfaction, I was at a loss. I didn't know what to do, but I did know that neither of these things worked, and it was slowly choking the life out of my, well, life.

My cousin, Bella, on her first birthday- definitely found her happy!

I was talking to a close friend of mine, one who has had her own series of disappointments in life yet finds a way to make peace with it and move on. I hadn't had a particularly trying day, but I was still feeling the weight of dissatisfaction. She sent me a text, and it said, "Find the happy in your life. Go for a drive in your car (I do have a fun car), get a drink (Vanilla Dr. Pepper from Sonic), or splurge on a movie you've been wanting."

Of course, we both know happiness isn't found just in the things of this world. However, we do have what I like to call "the small things in life," those things which lift our spirits enough to see the positive in what has discouraged us. And from there we can hopefully begin to see "the happy" in our disappointment, the things that are worth living for.

She's Having a Baby

I recently traveled back to Missouri to be in a friend's wedding. I was there over Mother's Day weekend, and on the day of the rehearsal dinner, my sister was insistent that my entire family be present when she and her husband gave Mom her gift. I was rushing to get everything done and kept saying I did not need to be there but Katie would not let me out of it.

Finally, she came to my room and said they were going to give Mom her present. Noticing a onesie on my bed that I had bought for someone, Katie oohed and aahed over it, asking me if she could have it. I told her jokingly, "If you give me a niece or nephew right now, it's all yours!"Laughing, we left my room and joined the rest of the family. 

We were all seated in the living room in our normal any-holiday-that-includes-gifts fashion. You know, where everyone is sitting waiting for the recipient of the gift to open it and making small talk in the meantime. At least that's how our gift-giving usually goes!  Katie and AJ handed Mom her gift. Mom pulled away the paper and there it was. The evidence that all of our lives were about to change forever. In the form of a book.

We all sat in silence for a second before the meaning behind the book registered in my mind. I jumped up and squealed, "Are you serious?!" and burst into the happiest tears I've ever felt in my life thus far. Dad and my brother, Zack, had not seen the cover yet and were a little confused until Mom let out her own squeal of "She's pregnant!" 

I can tell you that I have thought of that moment many times over the years, what it would be like when Katie makes the announcement that little ones are going to join our family soon, or even if Zack or myself would be the first to introduce our family to the wonder that is grandparenthood/aunthood and unclehood. When I laid eyes on that book cover, however, and then looked at my sister who had this joy and even slightly nervous look on her face, all of the ways I played that moment in my mind before vanished. In its place was an inexplicable happiness that I am going to be an aunt.

A few weeks ago, my brother-in-law sent me a picture of the ultrasound. When it downloaded to my phone and I opened it, I just stared at the little baby taking shape in my sister. My heart swelled with love for that baby, and I honestly felt emotions at such a level I did not know existed. My love for him/her is already overwhelming, and I can't imagine what it will be like to meet that precious little baby. I do know that I will be one of the best aunts that baby could ever hope for, with lots of spoiling, I'm sure!

Constant Change is Here to Stay

Change is not something that I welcome with open arms. It's not that I hate change. In some ways, I look forward to new things. Adventures and starting a new chapter. Starting fresh. However, I have found in examining my own life thus far that when things do change, it is never minor. It is not something that can go unnoticed nor is it gradual. In my experience, a tidal wave of change hits my life leaving no area untouched.

When I was younger, there was a phrase that was constantly said in my church. "Constant change is here to stay." If something new happened in my family or at church that affected my life, Mom would listen to my complaints for about five minutes before reminding me of this phrase. It almost became a mantra that everyone repeated. "We are moving out of town? Constant change is here to stay." "The church is headed in this direction now? Constant change is here to stay." As a person who was uncomfortable with change and had strong attachments to the familiar, I seriously came to despise "constant change" and all that it stood for. I just rolled my eyes and mentally gagged as those words swirled around me, wreaking havoc in my life.

As I grew older, it became more clear to me why I detested change so much. I like consistency in my life. Surprises and spontaneity are good, but not if it knocks me off my feet in the process. I'm a planner who likes to prepare for what's coming. With new seasons looming before me, however, there is no way to know when it will happen and where I will end up. 

In August, I moved to California, and I thought that was my "big" change for the next year at least. Now, I have been here almost seven months, and I see more change in the near future. Perhaps it is not as grand as packing my bags and moving across the country. Still I see it, looking right at me, waiting to see if I will jump into the waves. I feel the nervous anticipation and excitement as I wait. I've realized that for the first time, I am glad constant change is here to stay. It means starting a new chapter in life and growing into a better person. My stomach is filled with thousands of tiny butterflies and my heart is starting to beat a tiny bit faster, but I'm ready for that wave to sweep me away. I'm letting go of all my own ideas about what life should be and where I should be going to start a fresh chapter in the life of Nikki.

United...to Make Your Trip Stressful, Frustrating, and Complicated

This reminded me of traveling in Europe in so many ways. This is one of the reasons I don't like to travel alone. I sent this email to United Airlines this morning. Hopefully, I am not brushed off!

Dear United,

While traveling back to Fresno, CA from Omaha, NE, my plane from LAX to FAT was overbooked. The agent asked if anyone would be willing to give up their seats and would be compensated with a $400 voucher, a meal voucher, and a paid night in a hotel near the airport. This was right before boarding, around 7:45pm. I graciously gave up my seat trying to help out since no one else was willing. This was a large mistake on my part. It took the agent from then until 9:15pm to get my vouchers figured out. My checked suitcase had been pulled off the plane and sent down to baggage claim, but by the time I got down there, a ramp worker had taken it back upstairs for some reason. The baggage service worker just kept saying "The ramp guy took your bag to the ramp." I don't know where that was because I did not have any tags directing to my new flight, just the old tag with the flight that had already departed. I waited for fifteen minutes before my bag was sent back down. This caused me to miss a shuttle to my hotel, and I waited for thirty minutes until the next one came. I finally arrived at the Westin LAX around 10:15pm. I was exhausted at this point, as I had been traveling since early morning. I went to check-in, and the desk clerk told me my voucher was not valid. The agent at my gate had given me the wrong copy, and as I've never had a voucher before, I did not know this. Both the meal voucher and hotel voucher were unacceptable. The clerk told me to go BACK to the airport and get the right one. He said the hotel was sold out, but he had a room for me in the United block of rooms. I had to take my rather large suitcase and two carry-ons back to the the airport to talk to a representative. Once I arrived, I had to wait in line at the check-in counter for twenty minutes to speak to someone. When I talked to a representative, she was not helpful at all. She said she could not give me a voucher because the hotel was sold out, and I had to go get my original from my gate. I was given a security checkpass, but that did not matter. Once at security, I was told my suitcase would not fit through the scanner. I knew this because it was the one I always check and had just gotten from baggage claim over an hour before. Finally they let me try, but first the TSA worker made me leave all my liquids behind. That was very upsetting; I had expensive shampoo and conditioner, brand new expensive lotion, face wash, face lotion, and eye makeup remover. No one was willing to help me out at all. The worker said she would be there until 11:15pm but once she was gone, she would not watch my stuff and it would be up for grabs. It was already 11:05pm at this point. I finally made it through security and got upstairs to the gate. I talked to a gate agent, and she said I did not have to do all of that to get my right voucher. That made me furious. I was sent to a gate further down to talk to a supervisor, and I told her my dilemma. The gate agent had originally given me the auditor's copy of the vouchers. I told her about my liquids downstairs but she ignored me and would not help me get them back. They were at the entrance of security, so I could not go back down to get it. I was finally given the right vouchers and sent on my way. I made it back to the hotel at 11:45pm and was almost not even surprised to find out that United had overbooked the hotel as well by sending people there when they had no rooms left. Of course, my room had been given away. I was asked to wait 45 minutes to see if housekeeping had cleaned any of the rooms. It was long after midnight when I finally received a room, and after one before I was finally in bed. I had an early flight and had to get up at 5:15am. I was also unable to even use the meal voucher, as it was for dinner. I would like to be properly compensated for being so inconvenienced and for not being treated as a valued customer. When I tried to speak with a representative or agent at the airport, I was brushed off and ignored. That is unacceptable, no matter how busy they are. The $400 voucher doesn't begin to cover the frustration, uncertainty, and exhaustion that night caused me. Sincerely, Anastasia

Wedding Crashers: A Cultural Experience

Yes, it's true. The highlight of my weekend was crashing a wedding reception with Alejandra and Stephanie. I did not know the bride or the groom. I've only known the person who invited me for a week. Still, we were welcomed most graciously, along with the other guests, with delicious food and party favors.

Alejandra's co-worker and friend, Gabi, asked if we wanted to come with her to her cousin's Hispanic wedding reception Saturday evening. It was in Reedley, in a rural outdoors park-like area. It was a beautiful evening, definitely not too warm. When we arrived, some people were already there and had started eating. We found room at a table, and our food was brought to us, as well as water and our own bottle of Fanta (grapefruit=delicious!) to share. The food was aMAZING! Carnitas, beans, and rice with tortillas, and it was all about the flavor. That was some food I could get used to. Gabi said ten pigs were killed for the dinner. We thanked the pigs for their sacrifice. It was worth it! :)

As we ate our meal, Gabi shared some of the traditions of her culture. About a eight months to a year before the wedding, the betrothed couple ask family members and friends of the families for sponsorships- varying amounts for different wedding expenses. The sponsors then either provide money or sometimes provide whatever they chose to pay for (decorations, favors, cake, etc.). This can make for a very large reception because the sponsors invite people to the wedding. From what I understand, it's kind of like, "I am sponsoring a wedding this weekend. Would you like to go with me, friend from work, uncle, cousin, brother?" But no one minds! It's about celebrating. I like that a lot.

Mmm...ice cream!

After our meal, we sat and talked as more people arrived. Most people, once finished eating, would move to chairs set around the edge the perimeter of the yard so new people could sit and eat. We noticed some children eating Mexican ice cream, and we went to find some as well. A man was selling from the back of his van in three flavors. Fresa (strawberry), Vainilla (vanilla), and Limón (lime). I tried the fresa and it was so good! It had real bits of fruit in it. The Vainilla was good too, with a hint of cinnamon to it. It tasted like chai, which if you know me at all, then you know that is my drink of choice. So the ice cream was a big success. :)

After we had sat at the table for quite awhile, we moved over to watch the dancing. They did not hire a mariachi band, but the music was still very much fiesta-ish and a lot of fun to listen to. We even danced to a couple of songs. Basically, if you can move your feet to the beat, then you will be fine out there. Add a little hip-swaying and you are golden. If the music died down at all during the song, you could hear all of the feet moving against the pavement. It was really a lot of fun! One song in particular stands out in my mind, and I can still hear the repetitious notes being played over and over. It was played while they honored the sponsors of the wedding. Names were called out, one by one, and they would join the newlyweds on the dance floor.

Party favors

Overall, it was a beautiful reception, filled with celebration and love. I had a fantastic time and wouldn't mind being a part of something like that again! The only bummer for me was that we didn't get to try the cake. They cut their pieces to feed each other, but never cut the cake. Pretty soon, the children and I suspect a few adults had tested the frosting, making the cake bare in some places. I don't think I would have wanted the cake then anyways. Finally, I am including a picture of my party favors. One is a magnet of a bride and groom with a ribbon bow attached that reads "Neuestra Boda" or "Our Wedding." The second is just decorative, with a clay-like rose and calla Lilly and clear beads with ribbon. It's lovely!

The Sun is Shining

Here is my monthly update, as it seems that I can only find the time and energy to write once a month. Hopefully, I can kick it up a notch, but I make no promises!

The infection I had turned out to be a cyst of some sort, and I had to have an inCISION and drainage (those are the only details I am sharing on that) and was prescribed ten more days of antibiotics on top of the original two weeks, equaling 3.5 weeks of antibiotics. Of course, it takes a toll on your body while on antibiotics- at least mine does, and let's just say I've had other complications during those 3.5 weeks. The antibiotic worked though and all that remains is a tiny red scar from the incision.

I've been job searching for nearly four weeks, and while I have applied at several different places, there have not been any call backs. Until today, that is. I was teaching Audrey this morning when my phone rang. It was Barnes and Noble, one of the first places I applied. If you know me at all, you know this is a dream job for me. I absolutely love literature and reading. English major for a reason, and no, it was not because I loved writing papers. The interview is set for next Tuesday. It is a group interview which makes me think they are hiring for seasonal help and need several people.

Not only did I receive that call today, but I was also contacted to set up an interview for a private tutoring position with Sullivan Learning Systems, a tutoring company located here in Fresno. That interview is set for tomorrow morning. If all goes well, I may be able to take on both jobs as they are both part time positions.

Flowers picked for me by Aidan and Olivia. There are more in the box!

Life is good here in California, even though I've been nervous the past few weeks about finding a job and starting my life. I know God has it figured out and as Titus, who is ten years old says, "He has a plan for me." :)

This is an adventure in the making, and I will keep my little blog world (my 17 followers and few visitors) updated as much as possible. I think it is going to be a fun ride!

Things I Could Never Do Before

Here I am, sitting in a new house, in a new city, in a new state. I am thousands of miles away from home. I have all of the normal feelings-excitement, anticipation, and a touch of nerves. I can hardly believe I am starting a new chapter in life. It's so refreshing. And scary.


I thought I would move to California and take on Fresno like a madwoman. I imagined myself being a champion of sorts, finding a job in a week, seeing what the city has to offer, and jumping into California life right away. What I realized instead was that I was already doing things that make me a champion, just by living life. Switching states and changing my residency isn't the only thing that makes me victorious.


I woke up this weekend with an ear infection, and it grew progressively worse until I had to call a doctor to prescribe an antibiotic. When I picked it up from the pharmacy, I saw the pill was the size of the state I now live in. I have a horrible gag reflex and was sure I would throw it up/gag it up/ or finally get it down after it was half-disintegrated. I stared at the pill, sitting in the palm of my hand, as my stomach cringed at the thought of getting it down. Finally, mustering up enough courage to take the pill, I shoved it in my mouth and took a long swig of water. The pill washed right down, and I was so surprised, I stopped mid-drink and just stared at myself in the mirror before remembering to drink more water. To most people, that story doesn't mean much. To me, however, that story is everything. I couldn't take large pills before. I would try several times before giving up and staying sick or finding an alternate route. But now I can. And I did. Champion, right there.

Pismo Beach...I just had to add it! :)

There are other things that I find myself doing, things I never thought I would see myself do. Everyone must think that I could move halfway across the country easy-peasy, but honestly? That was one of the hardest things I've done so far in my life. But I did it. So that makes me victorious. It's not always big though, like the pill. I started a bank account today in a new city. Thursday, I am getting my California drivers' license. We all have accomplishments or milestones that make us feel like champions. They seem like nothing to those around us, but we know that they are a sign of victory. Embrace those moments and remember them later when you face thing you thought you couldn't do before.

The Adventures Just Keep Coming

It is pretty obvious that camp has stolen away most of my time, leaving me unable to update much this summer. :) Even the weekends have been busy or I've been too tired to even think about writing here. Sorry for that!

Camp is nearing an end, and I can't believe it. I feel like I just pulled up to Camp Rivercrest, nervous and anxious to meet new people and start something new. And now, here I am, nearly two months later, still alive (there were a few moments when I didn't think I'd quite make it) and kicking. :) I've learned a lot and been stretched in many ways, and while it isn't always fun, I'm glad I grew up this summer.

So what's the next adventure then? That has been the million dollar question in my life since returning from Europe last November. I thought I would know as soon as my plane hit the landing where I would go next and what I would do. However, God had a plan of His own, and now looking back at the past nine months, I know it was better than anything I could create.


I am moving to California! I leave August 26th. I am not sure how long I will be there yet, but I am ready for anything. :)

I guess that's all I have to say for now...feel free to ask questions. ;)

Small Town, I really do love you...

For weeks now, I have been avoiding tying up loose ends and packing my bags for the summer. I hate packing so so much. I always wait until the night before (I might need something beforehand!), and then I am overwhelmed about what to take. And that's if I am going away for the weekend. Trying to pack for an entire summer is a million times harder. How will I know what I need in July? Of course, since I will have my car for some storage, I am packing half of what I own knowing full well I will only use about a third of it. Oh well.

The past couple of days, I have been faced with the realization that these are my final days in Kirksville. After living here fifteen years, it seems strange and a little unreal. My entire life has been built here- school, college, church, work, friends, family-and I will miss it. I love traveling and city life, but the small town still appeals to me and holds a special place in my heart. I wanted this final post to honor the place where I grew up.

This is the sign that greeted me the first time I remember driving to Kirksville to visit my uncle and his family. I doubt it is the exact same sign that was there in 1996, but I can still remember hitting the top of the hill and being able to see down into Kirksville. Compared to where I lived at the time, Kirksville was a city! :)

  Growing up, if I could have lived at the library, I would have done it. My love for reading was intensified when I discovered the public library. Before that, I had only known a small school library where I used to live. Kirksville's public library was massive compared to the other one. I would check out a stack of ten to fifteen books (at least...I knew that max was 50), and I read them in a week if not sooner. I just walked down the aisles, looking for interesting books, first in the juvenile fiction then the adult fiction. I never tired of reading. By the time I was in junior high, I could read a three hundred page book in a day! This place will always be special to me, for giving me a way to enjoy one of my favorite past times.

There are so many streets like this, especially over by the schools.  I love driving down them, especially this time of year through the fall. It is just beautiful. This is on my friend's street, outside her house. I feel as if it could be straight from Anne of Green Gables and I want to name it something special. It's almost as if it were a modern Lover's Lane, the way the trees canopy overhead.

I spent four painstaking years within these "walls." Some moments were filled with frustration, tears, and an eagerness to leave, but I look back at it all with a deep appreciation for the growth that took place and the person I became over time. I especially loved the campus like this, full of green-ness and beautiful!

Kirksville is quite the storm magnet! While I have witnessed some horrible storms that end in tragedy, I love rain in Kirksville. I love the green trees against the bluish-gray sky. I know it probably looks similar in most other places, but I just love it here. I also love to watch the storm sweep across town, leaving part of it sunny while you can see the rain pouring on the other half.

This is the best I could for a picture of the high school. I actually love the school grounds. It is gorgeous, and when the trees are in bloom, I just sigh and feel so happy. (I feel like Phoebe would insert "What is it with you and nature?" here.) Aside from that, I absolutely loved subbing at the high school. I was so excited to spend my day there, getting to know fellow teachers and work in a classroom. I could be a sub for a long time and be quite content! :)

Last but not least...my home. Nothing more needs to be said besides that. I love living here and will be sad to leave it. I am glad to have a few more weeks in it when I come home in August. But more on that later...
I'm sure I could have shared several more places than this, but it was these places I was thinking of today as I drove around town. As much as I've wanted to get away from Kirksville and live in the city, I must say, Small Town, I do love you.